Yesterday morning i found out the news that is going to change my life for good.  I am1-2 weeks preganant.  To be honest about it im still in denial and shock and have very mixed emotions about the pregnancy.  I can't eaxctly say its the right time because I am currently living in a house share and things and i have my doubts about my partner, my baby's father have not been great.  Even though he seems to think we can work things out and is thrilled to bits that he is going to be a dad, im not sure, and i don't know whether i can spend the rest of my life with him, there are also a lot of cultural differences and im affraid we'll want our child brought up in different ways, im worried whether he'll be able to step up to the mark etc…he's always had a slightly controlling side and im scared that he will control me for the rest of my life.  im quite vulnerable to people contrlling me. 

But there is no question, i definately want to keep this baby, i truly believe that things happen for a reason, i v always wanted children and have had a lot of health scares to suggest that i may not be able to have kids.  Ok maybe not, maybe its my OCD that makes me have these negative thoughts, but when i was fifteen i had probelms with my menstual cycle and was convinced thta i might be infertile, it kind of stopped me feeling likme a woman, and unfortunately that feelling remained.  When i was twenty i had my first abnormal smear test and every single one of them since then came back abnormal, i have had so many colposcopies that its become a normal part of my life, i have to go evey six months and they always come back with the result "minor abnormalities" and been told i need to go for a repeat in 6 months time.

However over the past couple of months there have been more probs…i ve been having cramps, irregular menstrual cycle and the doctor wanted to test me for polysystic ovaries. Also i got my results back from my most recent colposcopy and it came back "abnormal".  Again it says not to worry, come back in 6 months but y has it gone from "minor abnormal" to "abnormal"?  i was so distraught and over the past couple of weeks i thought i was going to be infertile, now i find out im pregnant, its such an emotional roler coaster and i have no idea what to do next.