I’m feeling really depressed tonight. I feel . . . almost can’t describe it. . . As if there is a piece of wood in my gut. I feel stressed and just fed-up. . . The person who went away for the weekend to visit some family left me a message on my phone. He sounded drunk . . . which, of course, could just be my paranoia, but it makes me uncomfortable. He’s not a drinker, but I think I feel sad that he’s on his own little adventure . . . away from me . . . having a good time. . . I’m happy for him, sure, but I wish it felt like he missed me more. . . I guess I feel lonely, too. He didn’t even ask me how I was doing. . . He just asked if I registered for classes, which is quite strange and making me think that his brother is more inquisitive than he is. That makes me paranoid and has me thinking of how disapproving his brother is. . . I’ve never even said two words to his brother, but I feel so strange and worried when it comes to his family. . . They’re all so . . . rich and blah, and I worry they assume things they shouldn’t, making me feel like a second-class citizen. . . Anyway. . . Rambling. . .
I feel . . . like I’m on the verge of pushing everyone away. My state of “hibernation” against people which happens almost annually. . . It both feels protective and destructive to myself, which is inviting. The only issue is dealing with my indifference and my quasi-nihilistic feeling of not even slightly caring when I do disassociate from others. I don’t want to not care, but I’ve reverted to that so many times in my life that it’s a safety zone for me, but it opens up a whole new can of worms that implies mental and physical strife upon myself. . .
My sister ended-up not going to the family get-together herself, even. Her boyfriend at the last minute couldn’t make it, and once my mother found out she told my sister, “good, I don’t want him around my family.” I’m infuriated about this. The next time I see my mother I am . . ., well, I fear what I’m going to say. How dare she. My mother doesn’t even know her daughter’s boyfriend and has refused to participate in getting to know him (and he’s a good, responsible man), so what does she do instead? Make-up tons of lies and theories in her head as to why he’s not good enough for my sister. She doesn’t want him around “her” family –the family that she herself does not want to go see. She doesn’t want him around “her” family –the bunch of ignorant alcoholics. Bleep that. I put up with my mother’s bull every single day, but when she makes her daughter cry is when I draw the line.
I’m almost looking forward to college. . . At least I’ll be out of the house away from my mother, and it will give me plenty of excuses to not talk to people I other-wise do not want to talk to.
Sometimes I really . . . dislike . . . people. I know I’m venting here, and it’s mainly my fault. I just wish I didn’t put up with it so much. I wish I wasn’t nice to these people. I wish I could just tell them to leave me alone. . . 95% of people I talk to I know aren’t really my friends (that’s why I call them acquaintances), and I never let it fool me for a moment, but sometimes I just get so tired of pretending to care for those who I would other-wise not associate with even if I were the loneliest girl on earth. I just don’t want such negativity and troubles in my life from people who I relate nothing with, and who are as sleazy as anything, and who I know would neither go out of their way for me unless they thought they could get something out of it.
I really miss my female friend. . . I miss her so much in moments like these.