So this past weekend my ex boyfriend from 9 years ago was chilling with me at home. It was something I was looking forward to because when we were younger we ended on bad terms but I feel like we could have been fine. We drifted apart years ago when we were in school. I have so many questions for him. I was so nervous the first time we started talking to each other. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me.

After I blacked out I said somethings to him. I’m not all that sure what it was it was that I said. He offered to tell me but i denied wanting to know, assuming I would be super embarrassed.

This happened on Sunday and then he messaged me Tuesday. I was kind of relieved that he was still talking to me thinking I had scared him off. I thought “Damn, I am so damaged and hurt by all the things I allowed in my life I’m not to sure If I trust myself.” I feel as if I can’t control how much I’m hurt. I can’t control how much pain I was in. I try to control how I react but sometimes it comes natural and easy to just run away. I hate that about myself. Ive been challenging myself to stand my ground.

Anyways he offered to tell me but i’m afraid that I said something like, I was in love with you for so long. Or that I told him all the horrible things my previous boyfriend did to me, or the fact that I was sexual assaulted. All those things are total turn offs in my opinion. I don’t want him to see me as weak. But I noticed that he has opened up to me more than before. we talked on the phone last night(His Idea). we chatted and he was sincerely kind when he brought it up in the conversation. He said “I don’t want to make the conversation awkward but do you remember what you said to me the other night?” Clearly I did not and at the moment I didn’t want to know.

I know its a little manipulating but I want to see if he will treat me different. SO far he seems more kinder, more open and shares with me where he’s going, how he’s feeling, how his day went and more. I feel so comfortable but scared. I don’t know if i’m ready to open up. I’m afraid. The last person I tried being myself with hurt me because they didn’t like me. They hated who I was. That hurt my soul and my confidence. I think he knows that now that’s the case. I don’t know how to act normal sometimes. I don’t know how I’m suppose to treat him. I told him I wasn’t ready to start a relationship but I want one.

Something about him I knew was right.. but then again like I said should I even trust what I think anymore.