My weight is still bothering me. I find myself wondering if I'm a compulsive eater or something.

I'm trying to get my meal plan cancelled or at least reduced but my school is being a pain in the ass. I have to meet with some guy when I return to school and I'm dreading the whole encounter. I've met him before and I totally failed to follow his advice. Also, he's asking for any "medical information" that I have from my doctor. What medical information? My weight? He can't take my weight or just look at me and see that I'm unhealthy? Does she need to write down exactly what she said about a low carb lifestyle and exercise? What medical information could he possibly need from her?

It's simple. I'm fat. I need to not be fat. The Inn has horrible food and there is so little to eat – the menu has been the exact same for at least two years – that I usually end up eating something bad like french fries, macaroni and cheese, or pizza. Allowing me to cancel my meal plan would mean that my Dad could give me money to spend locally rather than forcing me to spend money only at the school. There are nearby restaurants that serve ten+ times what the Inn does and there is a fresh food store nearby as well. Wal-Mart is also only about 10 minutes down the road, I'm not exactly asking to starve myself here. I'm asking that I be allowed more control over my meals and to have a little more variety than salad, salad, salad, salad, salad, soup, salad, salad, salad, salad, soup, etc..

If worse comes to worst, I could always try to shop at the small store on campus but I don't know how much they actually carry that I could store and cook. It's worth a shot I guess but I'd rather just be on my own and be able to shop at a real store.

School starts September 6th so my anxiety is building. I'm afraid of my classes and I'm embarrassed about my weight and I'm still tossing around the idea of getting a job to be able to afford some things which is only causing me more stress.

Also bothering me is the fact that my boyfriend's family is still causing trouble. A few days ago, his brother dumped water on his bed and then went out to a movie with his parents. They blamed my boyfriend for the water incident.

They keep sending him all over the place to drop kids off and pick kids up because Lord knows his mother would never leave her bed to do anything. People like her shouldn't even be allowed to have sex let alone procreate. All she does is spend money and yell at people. She recently dropped $2000 on new furniture that no one needs and $50,000 on a new kitchen she doesn't need either. It's hard to tell who is crazier – her for being a lazy bitch or her husband for being such a wimp.

My boyfriend has a final tomorrow and he's not ready for it. This is every semester. Every time. He forgets something or misreads something and his teachers always seem to be out to get him according to his accounts of the situation. It all makes me feel like he's in the wrong field and should seriously consider doing something easier/less stressful but he won't hear anything of it so I wind up becoming extremely frustrated which, in turn, causes him to say things like:

"why do you always dive into a fight rather than trying to diffuse it? :("

I'm allowed to be frustrated and I never said that I was frustrated at him. But he took my frustration as being directed at him and wound up playing the victim yet again. And before I left, I asked if he was upset with me and got:

"Yes, I am, and it's stupid and my problem, I don't like that you get upset because I'm stressed out and it makes you hostile so I should just shut up about my problems"

Actually, his family makes me hostile. They're spoiled rich brats who abuse him. He has a final tomorrow and they're making him do the recycling at nearly 10:00 at night because they have all this crap laying around from their $2000 furniture shopping spree. And this is after he had to drive his brothers around all day. And yes, that stresses me the fuck out too.

It doesn't help that I feel horrible tonight. I overate again so I feel too full and I'm tired and don't feel like dealing with this anxiety right now. I think I'll just try to sleep. I'm so miserable, my mood just went BOOM.

1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 12 years ago

    I understand how you feel about your weight.  I am fat too and the doctor keeps saying smaller portions and exercise but on the other hand she tells me I can't exercise because of my disability and how it would make it worse and I'd end up in a wheelchair so what the hell kind of exercise am I supposed to do?  Your boyfriends family well they disgust me and the way they act and treat your boyfriend is just selfish on their part.  He's trying to better himself and they are doing nothing but barking out orders for him to do….I know I couldn't put up with that and I don't know how you do it…be strong and only t hink of yourself for a while and things will come about sweetheart you'll see….

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