i’m gonna try and get this out, before i freakin erase it, AGAIN! –Geez! IF i could control my fingers, sometimes…. this might be a bit easier. Let’s see….Well, for me, it’s been a kinda mixed-day. We both woke up “late” for us–right around 6am–so Marty didn’t have a lot of free time to just be, before i got out of bed. i spent a few minutes, again, with the inner debate over even getting out of bed, but ehhh, i can’t very well stay put. *sigh So, around 830, he asked me if i wanted to go for a lil walk. “Lil walk?” Sure. (After Saturday, when we walked for several miles, and i’ve been feeling it, ever since. i know: my body doesn’t behave like it once did. i also know i can’t do, be, nor operate as before–my brain’s a bit different, and so is my body. i make do….it’s all i’ve got–ya know?) So, we started on our walk….i figured he was going to head towards the college, again, since that’s about his favorite area to be in, due to all the foliage and busy people–walking, riding bikes, etc. It just didn’t click that he wanted to go as far as we did, until i had to tell him to turn around. It kinda sucks, at times, that i can’t keep going, or keep up, even…. But, it is what it is, right? i have an appointment in the morning, and a few mins ago, i was actually contemplating some spontaneity, afterwards. Marty’s been worryin the begeebas outta me, today: “Babe? i’m anxious,” or “Babe? i dunno what to do.”—This went on for the majority of the day!!!! i just had a break from it, since he was gone to the store, and i had both phones!!!! woooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! i know, everybody has their own….coping mechanisms? idiosyncrasies? –habits!! lol in order to survive in their world. *sigh It just really wears me out, when either i’m busy doing something else and he’s constantly nagging me to come and calm him down or talk to him, rationally, in order for him to get through a moment. i don’t get it. So, i’m just supposed to put up and shut up? Keep on keepin on? Just keep swimming? —-how long? til i crack? til i drown? i dunno….. i know he means well. i do care an awful lot for him–yes, and i do love him. So, i take the good with the bad. However, a lil “meeting in the middle” or BALANCE–even just occasionally–would be soooooooooooooooooo NICE! OK, enough of that rant. Moving right along….. OK, regarding my thoughts on sexuality: basically, i am a heterosexual woman, who’s also enjoyed a bit of bi-curious play. When i was younger, i did have a feeling of craving a male’s body–simply due to things that’d been done to me. i don’t wish that, any longer, mainly because i’m used to this body, and it’d take a lot more effort to get used to something else. i am pretty certain that i do not have that kinda energy. lol i did enjoy–like i said before–a lot of the playtime activities we engaged in–w/my prior spouse. i know my current partner has physical limitations…ahem…in that area, and i don’t feel like it should be so much of a problem/issue for us both to enjoy some orgasms!!! Yep, i said it. i mean, honestly, the only thing i’ve asked of him for the past several days now, has been to rub my lower back for me, since our trek on Saturday. My ‘back rub’ consisted of a couple minutes of one-side getting rubbed, since he did not want to have to get up, nor for me to turn any other way. *sigh But, i’m expected to rub his back every single night, and if he happens to wake up shortly after he’s fallen asleep, and i’m not rubbing it, i’m supposed to keep going?? —i know, i don’t mean to sound so….b….t…y. But, i think i put forth a lot of effort. Not only do i keep the household running–paying bills, running errands and so forth, and going out with him, doing things i don’t really enjoy at times–i still have to keep my own appointments and take care of myself, somehow. There needs to be more balance. i know. This keeps popping into my head, so i’ll share it: i still “feel” like i’m controlled–to a degree–regarding certain intimate moments. *sigh i feel as though Marty’s the most gentle “man” i’ve ever been with, especially when he’s simply touching me. But, there’s something about the slight rub or touch of my chest…. It’s always been a bit of a trigger for me. i’ve noticed, lately, whenever he does touch me so, it basically sets me on a very negative tangent–i loathe the way some people have behaved towards me, touched me, spoken to me, etc., and i can’t scrape it out of my head. *sigh i know: it’s not everyone that’s treated me in such a way as to make life so unbearable; it’s my perception from past experiences. There are a lot of good people in the world. i get that, too. It just felt like my understandings have been flawed for a very long time….. Aight…i have an appointment in the morning, with my primary care provider. i know she’s gonna go over my blood work and whatever else she’s got on hand to go over with me. i hate feeling this way about myself, obviously. And, to put another crack in the shell, i feel like i’ve gained weight, again. ARGH! i know, i know, i know…. i can’t keep starving myself…..purging….binging….etc. There has GOT TO BE some balance. Otherwise, i really dunno how much more my body can take. OK, i said it. i have issues with food, and the issues have been around for decades, since i was a teenager, at least. i remember starving myself for days, only to binge a day, and go back to not eating. That went on for several years. Then, i started purging….either binge-purge or regular diet-purge. i’ve also realized when my body’s hungry–especially on one of my non-eating days–my brain shows signs…. It’s almost ironic, i guess, that when i was working at the daycare center, i was in charge of the kitchen and meal prep/serve/clean-up for young children, including my own at the time. i had to go to several nutrition classes, so i know about meal plans and healthy portions/ingredients. The only thing i feel that’s pressed me, lately, as far as overeating’s concerned: since we’ve been in a different situation, as far as general levels of food items are concerned, my brain’s telling me that i have to eat, no matter what it may be. Does that make sense? *sigh Well, it’s nearing 8pm and i need to clean up, some more, and try to wind down for sleep.
Gonna try and keep positive, whenever i can and not worry as much. (i said TRY.)