I am new to this blog, I have been blogging on an adult site. However, I have found I want to share with some friends/family who I don't want to share that site with. I posted this about a year ago, and will post once a day to catch up to my current struggle.
So ….. struggling with Depression really sucks. On the other hand, today I really opened up to some people who are important to me. Not sure how much risk was involved, since I don't think they actually read any mail. However, I hope some day they run across it and realize what they really meant to me.
Actually, a lot like writing this post. It is pretty safe to send out. Nobody looks for any new writing from me, since it has been so long.
Sex, I have always had partners who wanted sex more then I did. Always wanted me, I was the one who would be too tired or not in the mood. My partner has no interest in me. Of course, "it is not me", but my partner was very sexually active, with different partners, before we became a couple. Almost as soon as we became full time, no interest in me unless I push. How could it not be me?
OK the rest is not about sex..
The thing is, I am actually an optimist for the most part. Everything eventually works out, not always as expected, not always for the best. Even my bad dreams have a sense of security. I wake up knowing that there was something in the background that ultimately would keep me safe and protected.
Then the depression slowly sneaks back in.
like a black vine trying to find way to grow into the darkness of my brain, instead of reaching for the sun, it tentatively pushes into different parts of my brain looking for the vulnerable spot, temporarily retreating if I become aware of it. Biding its time, waiting for weakness.
My perspectives starts to change ever so slightly. Accomplishments turn into how I could have done that better, tiny doubts turning into monsters in my imagination. The concern that I have bluffed everyone so completely, and disaster is just around the corner.
Then the nightmares start, the ones I can't figure out why they disturb me so deeply. Very subtle dreams, that leave me sad and disturbed for days. Finally, the realization that they are so disturbing because they are telling me what I have always known. I am utterly alone. I can't depend on anyone, there is nobody who will be there for me when I really need it. No one who understands me or wants to understand me. The only person I can count on is.. well me.
But I am unreliable. I constantly sabotage myself, screw up my finances, procrastinate, ignore small problems until the are too big and overwhelming. I know, it does not take a genius to figure out I don't think I am worthy.
So Major Depressive Disorder is definitely back. Suicidal ideation and questioning why I struggle through another utterly meaningless day. What future? I have made so many mistakes. My kids, money, relationships.
Am I actually in danger of killing myself? no. my year in and out of depression treatment and the impact it had on my children will forever keep me from that course of action/attempts again. Even when they are adults, it would hurt them too much. So know I live with the pain and hope I can get the hopelessness under control with meds and the tools I have learned during the years I worked hard to claw my way out of the despair.
Of course, once the kids are out of the house I may take up extreme drinking, eating heart horrible foods, and smoking 10 packs a day. That way it does not appear to be suicide. Just another Irish Catholic alcoholic!!
I know some people really don't believe in depression, or that it is a disease. It is, and it runs in families. I know of at least 5 family members who have killed themselves. I also know, there are likely more whos deaths were ruled something else.