Mood: Coming down

For a long time my life has been really difficult. Lots of the time I felt like I was losing my mind. It’s been disastrous for me and my family. I have only recently in the last two years been officially diagnosed bi-polar although I sort of suspected for a bit. It to sometime to sort of medication and doctors and all that jazz and I’m rebuilding my life. things are extremely better comparatively but it’s still real difficult for me at times. I guess it’s always going to be a one day at a time thing.

I’ve been taking the same meds for about 18 months now and they got me feeling pretty much nothing, not one way or the other about anything really. I sleep a lot. they knock me right out. I go through every day like a zombie drone. half out of it, always tired, and just going threw the motions. sure I’m mellowed out and I don’t get irrational or fly off the handle. so I don’t get violent and go into fits, but I’ve also lost my sex drive and my energy level and interest in anything I use to like. I use to be artistic and now I’m blocked and frustrated. I put on weight and instead of people complaining about my mood they complain that I’m now fat, lazy, and always falling asleep.

But heaven forbid should I skip my pills for a day or two, my energy is back and everyone notices a change in my moods. I feel trapped lately. I know the right thing to do is to take my pills as directed, I’ve worked to hard to get my family into a live with some sort of normalcy, but everyday it gets harder and harder to force myself to put those pills in my mouth. I just don’t want to take them anymore. I’m sick of being chemically lobotomized.

Am I the only one that does not want to take their medication?