I always wondered myself if there is more to life that trusting other people. I always had a hard time trusting people even though I know they are of a safe distance. It is for this reason that I began to detach myself from anything socially and emotionally. All I can do in this phase of my life is assume everything is all right and I end up acting dead and shelling myself from  the world. I usually hide in my sphere surrounding myself of all the happy memories I have because I feel it is all I have left which is innately me. I usually jump from one friend to the next and then disseminating without a trace. I am usually secretive about my feelings or emotions and I usually leave people because I felt hurt or was hurt by them but I never spoke out. I had always let myself suffer more than I give suffering to other people. It can be said that whenever I hurt both intentionally or unintentionally people whom I want to establish a bond with, I usually am the one packing up my bags and leaving nothing behind except faint memories.

This pattern has been repeating in my life and it has discouraged me to even further deepen my relationship with other people. I had even somewhat detached myself from my family and other people whom I know fearing I might develop thoughts which might endanger both them or me. I try to avoid conflict as much as possible but whenever my roads are cut off or there is no where for me to run, I usually fight head on. It is a situation I don't wanna be in as I lose all sanity and become a mere puppet of my emotions. My sadness, happiness and even failures seem to create their own visage of a darker me. It has always been my reason for leaving them behind as I go on and create an alternate world to heal wounds which never had existed. I always believed my existence could never be supplemented by anyone except me but what my existence is about is usually another story. I try to make some meaning in my life or create a purpose for me to live but i find it heartbreaking that I usually thread on the road I follow alone with no friend or foe. I know this is a life I must face if I want to preserve the little pieces I have left. I love myself but I hate my life. I love everything around me but I hate how they hate me.

Ever since I was a child I know what was happening around me, compelling me to drive through or push myself into the ground. I had no real reason for living anymore. I always had dreams for other people but I never had a dream which I can call my own. I do things just to get attention but yet they never notice or just brush it off. Its probably these reasons that I had become to detached from anyone. I can't even feel an attachment from my family and it has been a while since I talked to my friends not that I even had any. After someone close to me died and it was my pet cat. I was there unable to do something it made me feel sadder and sadder everyday knowing I lost a comrade and a friend who would give me hugs. It was on those moments that I began justifying my existence and everyday I would give myself different reasons for living. I might come to a point I could no longer supplement myself and I will finally detach from everything I came to know. The things I used to love are bad memories I fear to go back to, knowing I could no longer find happiness on the ashes. The things I learned to hate as turned and melted and now I hate myself more. The things which made me a person with a unique personality has exploded and I no longer feel I am any different.

 

I always had strong relationships with pets than i do with actual people at least they aren't ambivalent and they always display a sense of trust I always needed. I might seem as a complex person at a glance but I only need one thing which would be acceptance. I know what my life lacks and I am currently battling it out with myself. I had develop another different personality as I always hide what I truly feel towards other people as I fear being the center of a feeding frenzy and I know how unkind society can be towards those who act differently than the one they consider as Ideal. All my life I had been attacked emotionally and physically and now that it has stopped it made me feel empty and devoid as I detached any small fiber of attachment towards other people. I love other people and even formed relationship but it always ends up me leaving knowing I am never going to be good enough for them as I believe it would never work the way they want it. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I tried over and over about talking it to other people but they just don't understand how it is to be treated differently. I always get stereotyped about how smart I am and that i had a good upbringing but they don't even know that much of my stress comes from my family.Everytime I open up the topic people don't even believe the things I had gone through saying it might be an elaborate lie perpertuated by my imagination. It happened several times now that I not longer wish to discuss anything like that to other people out of fear. Is there something wrong with me? I know I am but yet no one has extended a helping hand. Not friends or family, to them I am just extra baggage which is turned into a emotional punching bag. I don't know how to escape them or this life and now I am perfectly trapped under their mercy. They no longer trust my decisions and they had decided to run my life that It depresses me even more knowing I have no more say to their decisions although they had always ran my life before but right now they are totally controlling me, I no longer have the options. I wanted to go far away here but they wouldn't even let me.

 

I am currently out of school and I havent finished my previous studies because of my depressive episodes and their constant meddling has left me barren. They always spit out my face how accomplished my other cousins are compared to me. How I am a dropout, a failure and such things while my cousins are out graduating I am in here locking myself in my room all day. I know I am devoiding myself of stimulation but it is the only safe place I know of. I joined the site hoping to find a support group who understands how dangerous depression is. The country where I am from is just filled with too many optimist that people like me who have bouts with depression are too rare that people consider it impossible. I had depressive episodes since I could remember but they were growing in intensity after I hit the age of 15 and since then it became more and more often. My family knows about my suicidal tendencies but they are way too busy running their own live that I am merely rejected and they always had this concept that "I am smart enough to deal with my own problems" the problem is that I am smart in a sense. I tend to see things differently than they do but when I tell them that they scold me and that I should follow their way of thinking. I need some guidance or help, just someone whom I can connect to. I tried looking for people from chatrooms and such but they were immature saying stuff such as using alcohol to forget problems or I am thinking too much.

 

I am from the Philippines and depression is quite uncommon here that people like me is misunderstood in such a way that we are more drawn further from help as people don't even understand depression they just give you advice about being optimistic and I tried it but despondency seems to be much stronger. Although i know I might not be the only one but most of them are already out there doing drugs or consuming alcohol. I don't want go down that path but the future itself is uncertain. I might go there, I might even end up as one of those people who fail to grasp life.

 

I really need help and understanding… and maybe some friends who truly understands me.