I’ve been a big idiot. What with the reality of my partner leaving me and the baby to go abroad to complete his education – which I feel I have to encourage, as it is the most important thing he’ll ever posses – dawning on me acutely now, and the fear of impending miscarrage, and generally feeling fat and frumpy and insecure, I did ask him if he’d cheated on me. I know the ‘sweat’ now to be butter marks from the night before and my bread roll (late-night snacking unfortunatley becoming an increasingly frequent phenomonen), and the tumbled sheets are really pretty random as he is as messy as I am. The majority of evidence I have against my fear is the honesty in his eyes. And I hurt him so badly. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me at heart, but I was so scared and confused.
Everything seems to be closing in on me. Considering, I’m bearing up fairly well – see above for evidence of the cracks showing, though. My debts are weighing heavier by the day. I’ve only been unemployed for a month, but I get phonecall after phonecall from the same small circle of companies who don’t seem to be able to compute the fact that is damn hard to survive on £45 a week, and paying bills when you’re unemployed is a near impossibility. I WANT to be working! I’m sick of having no money, and feeling it all spiral out of control. PS yes I do have a job now but I wont get paid for another 4 weeks, so I’m still looking.
On top of all that crap is the word ‘miscarrage’, freely bandied about by doctors and my midwife alike – “If it’s going to happen, there’s nothing you or we can do to stop it”; “you mustn’t blame yourself, it’s a natural thing…”, etc. I’m still pregnant, but apparently my show last week was a classic sign of the onset of a miscarrage. the only comfort I can take from anything I’ve been told is the midwife’s words “the further you get from the day of your show, the greater the chance everything will be ok” No news on how far away I need to be to relax about it. However, that is now a week ago. I feel a mixture of hope and confused fear on the subject, but mostly I try to blank it out. My boyfreind responds calmly to my fears with hugs, kisses, and “all we can do is wait and see”s. He’s a pillar of strength, but the she-devil that gonadrophin has wrought within me keeps mumbling “It’s because he doesn’t want the baby” Seriously, I swear pregnancy verges on schizophrenia sometimes!!! I have one side of my mind the normal worrying but fairly sensible me, and the other half is having a neurotic party in there.
I am now approximately 15 weeks, nearly 4 months pregnant. And as you can probably judge from the time of this blog, insomnia has decided that all the other crap just isn’t enough. I actually don’t mind being awake till 4 am so long as the PCs up and running and there are plenty of nibbles about. It’s the getting up the next morning(/afternoon, realistically) that’s the problem. I woke up at 12.30 pm today, and the first thing I did was… vomit. Nice. It was the migrane back at work, but I have a suspicion the dr. was right (for once) as the headache went in the space of 2 hours, and the extreme nausea mostly subsided by 3pm. I did have to rather embarressingly inform a potential tutor that I may have to run off to vomit (laugh? or cry? you decide!) when she called, but fortunately she saw the tragi-comedy of the situation. And, well look at my big head! I’m too advanced for her course! (Yay!) She told me to get my booty down to the degree course, which pleased me very nicely, thankyou. So all in all, I have a fair few blessings to count. Yes, things are looking bleak financially, but in all other respects, I am very lucky indeed. Of course, by the time tomorrow comes, I dare say the withdrawal from anti-depressants will tell another story. bit concerned about that, and torn between going to work tomorrow, and going to the Dr for a new prescription. I dare say I’d lose the job if I didn’t go, but I’m not sure if it’s viable right now anyway. Will decide later. More nibbles,methinks…
See ya’ll later – hope everyone is well. Sorry if I’m crap at responding. I’m emotionally up and down, and when I sign on usually, I’m down so I don’t feel like doing much. It is lazy and sad and must stop! My love to Nano and Angela xx