When I was about twenty I developed a problem with drink. I was diagnosed with depression prior to this. During the drinking phase I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I would drink, sleep around, gamble and was in and out of jobs, (I have had over 20 jobs) I was generally just very reckless. High and low moods.
I can't remember a lot of my twenty's.
I can't remember a lot of my twenty's.
Roll on a few years…
I get pregnant and at 30 weeks end up in a psychiatric ward for 6 weeks due to suicidal ideation, paranoia and acute anxiety and depression. Survival mode kicked in and I spent the next 4 months trying to distract myself and get better, which ended with me being exhausted from trying so hard to ignore my illness and pretend I was ok.
I get pregnant and at 30 weeks end up in a psychiatric ward for 6 weeks due to suicidal ideation, paranoia and acute anxiety and depression. Survival mode kicked in and I spent the next 4 months trying to distract myself and get better, which ended with me being exhausted from trying so hard to ignore my illness and pretend I was ok.
For the past six days, now that I am allowing myself to feel my emotions and act as I would without covering things up I am again having highs and lows, but now they are changing very rapidly.
During my lows I have:
Acute anxiety
Depression
Derealization
Depression
Derealization
Terrible memory
Feeling out of control
Obsessive thoughts
Wondering if the world is real
Paranoia
Fear of death
Racing thoughts
Obsessive thoughts
Wondering if the world is real
Paranoia
Fear of death
Racing thoughts
Thoughts of suicide and self harm
Strong urge to drink and get away from my life
During my highs I have been:
Excited and laughing
Very talkative
Excited and laughing
Very talkative
Thinking what I want to say, quicker than I am able to say it
Full of plans and ideas
Full of plans and ideas
A lot more energy
Very strong urges to drink
Very strong urges to drink
Wanting to steal for a rush
Wanting to do strange things and provoke reactions in people
I find it extremely difficult not to act on the things I want to do when I am feeling ‘up’ and almost resentful because I know I have to control myself. Because of my past I know how destructive my behavior can be. I feel like I want to explode. I have spent so long dulling down what I feel are my natural tendencies. Life is so boring when you have to keep yourself stable constantly.
