Wow, it’s been several months since I last wrote in here. I just stopped logging into the Tribe I guess, my memory is poor, I can’t remember the reason I stopped writing in here. I am no longer a practicing Muslim, it just wasn’t right for me. Blessings to all my brothers and sisters in the Muslim world. I have begun what I talked about before, a sort of syncretism between Wicca and Christianity. I say Blessed Be and Amen. It’s working for me. I don’t exactly know what to write about, I just had a desire to write a blog. I’ve got a soup in the Instant Pot, today is a lazy day. Well, every day seems to be a lazy day these days, I have so little to do. I just sweep the floors, do the laundry, do the dishes, make meals, make the bed (if I’m not in it). It’s bloody hot in here, it’s 75 degrees outside but feels hotter in the sun. Without a canopy overhead, the sun just blasts down on us. We live in an RV. I feel like I’m coming down with something, I keep sneezing. So I am going to take it easy.
Friday is the day of love, so I made a love potion tea that I will share with my husband tonight. He prefers his tea lukewarm to cool, so I’ve made it way ahead of time. The ingredients include: hibiscus flowers as an aphrodisiac, red raspberry leaf for a strong marriage, chai for all kinds of love, and rose petals for love, and ginger for speeding up the attributes of the other four. Honey is optional, as is the ginger. I drank it without ginger earlier and it tasted good. I wish he were home to share the tea with me now. Each day is just waiting for him to come home and for my life to move forward with him here. I’m grateful that it’s Friday, though I’m nervous about tomorrow.
Tomorrow we have a visit with our daughter and her adoptive family. I don’t know if I ever mentioned on here that I have a daughter whom we placed for adoption at birth. I’m not nervous about the visit per se, I’m nervous that my psychosis will have a field day with me while we’re out there. I pray it doesn’t. I asked them to meet earlier rather than later, because my anxiety gets worse as the day goes on. So we are meeting at 10:45 (it was going to be 10:30, but the adoptive mom asked for more time to sleep in).
I just pray that I can get through each day, it’s so difficult with this psychosis (seeing and hearing things, feeling like I’m disappearing). My husband once told me, “Baby you’re ok, it’s just a feeling.” I’m holding onto those words for dear life, because it doesn’t feel like just a feeling. It feels like something bad is really happening to me. I take Ativan for anxiety, and it used to work like a charm, but lately it hasn’t been working. I’ve been having to take three a day instead of the recommended two. Speaking of such, let me take one now. Ok, my psychosis is really bad right now, I have to try to take a nap to reset my brain. Blessed be and Amen.