My family causes a lot of anxiety in my life.  My mother and grandmother both have issues with anxiety. It's almost like looking at people who are somewhat anxious, anxious, and extremely anxious (me)…. I constantly worry that I am going to do something that causes more anxiety for my mother.  I'm almost 28 years old and I'm still afraid of upsetting my mother.  I depend on my family a lot now, since my anxiety levels have left me unemployed for a while now.  I keep feeling like it's time to get away from my family and the drama, but she doesn't want me to go.  My mother is probably the best friend that I have but she depends on me way too much.  And her dependence keeps me feeling guilty and constantly wanting to keep her happy. Lately whether it is my manic tendencies kicking in or just me totally losing control I want to just go on a road trip and just drive away from this place.  But because of financial stuff I don't feel like what little money I have is mine.  I feel like I owe it all to my parents for allowing me to live in their house.  I don't feel like i deserve to have anything I want in life anymore… I'm depressed and anxious and just need something that is going to calm me down and give me a reason to live.  I just can't seem to find something to latch onto.  My meds are complete waste of time.  If anything they have only made me worse.  And my psychiatrist just keeps telling me.. give it time.. I think 10 years of trial and error with medication is plenty of time to find something that will at least ease some of my symptoms.. Ugh.. if only I could afford a dr who knew what they were doing………….

2 Comments
  1. Goldfish 13 years ago

    Wow, totally knowing the mother guilt thing.  Also understand your frustration with the psychiatrist – 10 years IS a long time.

    Because of that family bond, we'll always crave acceptance and want to know we're doing the right thing by the people who brought us into the world.  However, they are human too and capable of making mistakes (sometimes to our cost).

    I saw Angelina Jolie talking about her father recently.  She said 'I don't have a relationship with my father.  I think it's a wonderful thing to have if you do but it isn't good for me so I don't'.  I don't know what it cost her to say that but she looked like she'd come out the other side of it.

    I'm not saying that you should cut all ties with your family but you instinctively feel the need to get away and that should tell you something.

    It doesn't have to be forever and there's no guarantee that you wouldn't have big-time guilt feelings but strength comes from unexpected places and could help you deal with that guilt.

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  2. Tammi 12 years ago

    The only happiness you are responsible for is your own.  It's also the only one in your control…

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