So a friend when home today, and I'll never see her again.  She was an amazing person, but after a year in Canada she must continue her life, education, career and passions at home, in Australia.  She was my brother's girlfriend, but now she's not I guess.  She bawled uncontrolably as the customs lady grilled her with questions of living and working situations, the very things which hightlighed the depressing flux of her current state.  In the intrest of security, understandable… in the intrest of cruelty, very much so.  But life is strange, and emotions are stranger.

She knew she had to go home, but their relationship flourished nonetheless… and now, what seems should always be has ended in a moment.  I look at my brother's situation and I feel sick.  I feel that I never wanna come close to living through that type of emtion.  Sure, he's a surprisingly non-emotional person who is very stable and will handle this situation with perspective as he always does.  But not me, and if I were him it would drag me to the deepest depths of despair.  And I worry it could one day be me that walks those very shoes.  If I were to travel… I've though about teaching english in Japan for a year, or be a homeless surfer in Maui, or move to mexico… and it would be thrilling, and I'd let myself fall into whatever relationships fell my way.  But eventually I'd have to go home, and the pain would be unbearable.

I guess my brother's situation highlights for me the reason I'm becoming a guarded isolated socially anxious and slightly lonely single person.  I don't want it any other way because any other way involes a whole lot of emotional pain which I simply could not bear.

And so I live a boring melancholy  worriesome life running from pain that lurks within every glance.


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