Just decided I need to write an update.. I haven't wrote in forever which is NOT a good thing.. I've been keeping a lot of it in as well as talking to my therapist about everything.

Basically the rundown:

Things I have accomplished lately that were very hard for me:

1) Driving in the car with others for a short period of time.

2) Doctor's visits, blood drawn

3) Going to a restaraunt with a friend

4) Babsitting (this is hard as I hate responsibility)

5) Being a tidbit more positive about my life.

6) Taking my tests at school instead of at home like normal

I'm sure theres a few more. I feel so pathetic writing those things because it seems that I should be able to do these things with ease.. however panic attacks make these things difficult if near impossible.

Things I would like to accomplish in the future:

1) Go to my grandma's house (3 hours away)

2) Drive in the car with someone for longer then 15 minutes

3) Start a workout routine

4) Get the career and job I have always wanted.. (this one is hard …)

5) Maybe someday get a second job or make some more money somehow.

6) Run some events at church.

7) Join a panic support group

8) Go to college IN CLASS and not online like I am now

9) Find out what I really want to do with my life.

These goals seem impossible to achieve.. although some are easier then others.  My whole life I have always thought that I have to "settle" for things that I don't want. My dream is to work with people, and help them. But the only reason I'm in school for a computer degree is beacuse I am afraid of classrooms and I can get my entire degree online. Plus this job would be something that I wouldn't get very panicky at and it would have no responsibility. I wish I could be what I REALLY wanted to be.. But my anxiety holds me back from ever taking classes that will lead me to a more productive future.

I tihnk about my future way too much to the point that I am already upset that I probably will never be able to have kids because I am too nervous to do anything with myself.

I can't do ANYTHING with ANY responsibility for fear of letting people down because of a panic attack.

I wish God would lead me in the right direction..