Just decided I need to write an update.. I haven't wrote in forever which is NOT a good thing.. I've been keeping a lot of it in as well as talking to my therapist about everything.
Basically the rundown:
Things I have accomplished lately that were very hard for me:
1) Driving in the car with others for a short period of time.
2) Doctor's visits, blood drawn
3) Going to a restaraunt with a friend
4) Babsitting (this is hard as I hate responsibility)
5) Being a tidbit more positive about my life.
6) Taking my tests at school instead of at home like normal
I'm sure theres a few more. I feel so pathetic writing those things because it seems that I should be able to do these things with ease.. however panic attacks make these things difficult if near impossible.
Things I would like to accomplish in the future:
1) Go to my grandma's house (3 hours away)
2) Drive in the car with someone for longer then 15 minutes
3) Start a workout routine
4) Get the career and job I have always wanted.. (this one is hard …)
5) Maybe someday get a second job or make some more money somehow.
6) Run some events at church.
7) Join a panic support group
8) Go to college IN CLASS and not online like I am now
9) Find out what I really want to do with my life.
These goals seem impossible to achieve.. although some are easier then others. My whole life I have always thought that I have to "settle" for things that I don't want. My dream is to work with people, and help them. But the only reason I'm in school for a computer degree is beacuse I am afraid of classrooms and I can get my entire degree online. Plus this job would be something that I wouldn't get very panicky at and it would have no responsibility. I wish I could be what I REALLY wanted to be.. But my anxiety holds me back from ever taking classes that will lead me to a more productive future.
I tihnk about my future way too much to the point that I am already upset that I probably will never be able to have kids because I am too nervous to do anything with myself.
I can't do ANYTHING with ANY responsibility for fear of letting people down because of a panic attack.
I wish God would lead me in the right direction..