A lot of the time I feel like I'm stuck in a vortex, like a force field. It's of my own creation and it's impenetrable. I'm fighting a war against myself and I'm losing, and everywhere I turn there's a new shadow lurking in the corner. Sometimes I think I'll never leave this bubble, and it will always prevent me from opening up and being free, and happy. But sometimes I do feel hopeful, that things will change, and I take steps to allow myself to step into the light and breathe a little. Tonight is one of those times I'm trapped in the bubble. It's so pathetic I don't want to admit it, but sometimes I just search endlessly through my phone contacts for someone to talk to who will just listen, who won't judge me, and I feel hopeless. And I'm not saying those people don't exist, because they do. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone, or explain anything. Never sure where to start. The past few years of my life have come with so many changes, more recently ones I made for myself. I feel like I'm running in circles and have no idea where I'm going. I'm hopeful one minute, feeling good about my decisions, the next day I am a wreck. I like my job, I hate my job, I like the money I make from my job. I'm graduating, I'm not graduating, I'm sort of graduating then finishing later? Because I “screwed up” a little bit. I'm tired of feeling anxious, depressed, afraid of the future, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of disappointing my family. Being a constant disappointment to myself. And I feel so lonely in a house and life full of people, I just want to be alone. But at the same time I'm lonely. Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure. I am crying, drinking water and hugging my giant teddy bear Henry that my really good friend/friend with benefits/maybe we are dating?/I'm not ready for dating bought me. It's a great bear. To anyone this resonates with, here's to you, and I will think of you while I read Anthony kiedis' autobiography and depress myself into exhaustion. Maybe it'll work out eventually, this life thing.

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