I am the oldest child of 5 kids and I’ve been helping my sister raise my 2 yr old nephew.

My parent’s marriage has been unstable for as long as I can remember.

They seem to have a fight a least 3 times a year: Before their anniversary, before christmas and in the summer.

For the last two weeks things have been out of control and the worst they have ever been. This year my parents deepest lies and secrets came out for some reason.

Neither of them want to be with each other, yet they both refuse to come to a solution.

I am sick of the lies. I hate living in fear not knowing what to expect from either one of them every day. I hate hearing doors slam throughout the house. I hate feeling guilty for their actions. I hate the accusations. I hate the drinking. I hate the drinking and driving. I hate the fact that one thinks its okay to smoke "green" in the house. I hate seeing and hearing the verbal abuse. I hate seeing one live the same her mother lived b/c she feels she has to endure it since her mother did. I hate how they don’t even think about their kids anymore. I hate how lazy they have become. I hate hearing about the finances. I hate going to bed angry every night. I hate not talking to them. I hate living in this house of lies. I hate seeing them try to win over their kids. I hate how every morning we have to wake up and pretend like nothing happened or that everything is okay.

I don’t want to live through this anymore. And there is nothing I can say or do. It is a failed marriage and nothing I say or do will change that.

I hate suffering and seeing my siblings and nephew witness this. It’s killing me and I am so torn apart inside. I have no friends to talk to and no relatives to go to.

I just have to keep living like this everyday.

I don’t know what to think or how to act anymore. I’ve lost myself and I’ve lost control of the situation. It’s out of my hands b/c its not my battle to fight.

Writing about it doesn’t even help anymore. It’s a permanent heartache crying over the same arguments. I just want it all go away.

I’m almost about to give up on hoping that one day I will be happy. I can’t even enjoy the happiness of my own relationship or my own life. Everytime I get even a bit of happiness, it gets taken away too soon.

Is it too much to ask for my own happiness? Apparently so when everytime I do get out to enjoy myself, I have to come home to a war.

My head hurts so much everyday.

I can’t even imagine how much worse its going to get before it starts to get better.

I feel like such a failure. I’ve given up so much of my life already. I’ve turned down so many opportunities and I’m so scared for my future.

I just want to burry myself in the sand…

 

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