I am starting to get post partum deppression again. I keep forgetting to take my medicine and now it has been almost a week without it.. I feel sad for really no reason and my anxiety is all out of whack. I feel like I have to keep moving, and doing something with my hands or I start to freak out. I keep feeling out of breath. I don\'t have the means or the time to go lay down or sit in a quiet room for a little while. I have a 3 week old and a 21 month old to take care of. Seth does contribute, but he works a third shift job and has to sleep for work. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like there is no time to worry about feeling overwhelmed. I know that it is the post partum because I feel like I can\'t talk about it. I feel like no one will care (which I know is not true), I feel like people will think I am nuts and an un fit mother because of that. I know these thoughts are illogical and not true, but they upset me and control my mind like they are real. It is crazy. This is why I don\'t want to talk about it. I feel like explaining to someone who does not have an anxiety disorder or depression is pointless because they can\'t really understand how you feel or what you are going through. They are not going to understand how someone could just have crazy thoughts for no reason and cannot stop them. They will never understand. I feel that if someone came up to me and I never felt this way before and they explained it to me I would think they were nuts. I don\'t know if I am crazy or if it is just my disease trying to make me believe or think that I am. I constantly am doubting my ability as a mother. I constanlty feel like I am not doing good enough or I am a bad mom. Everyone always praises my job as a mother and tells me how great I am doing. No one has ever even slightly suggested otherwise, but I make myself feel like shit over the thought that I possibly could be. I get so mad at myself for not just being able to stop it. I feel powerless and it makes me angry because this is my body, my mind, my life and I can\'t control it. Who can if I can\'t. I feel like I am missing out on so much. This disorder is robbing me of my kids childhoods. Sierra won\'t be a baby forever and Savanna won\'t be two forever. These moments and days pass right by me, time I will never have a second chance at, and 75% of the time my own mind is robbing me of the happiness of life. I hate regretting days, weeks, months. I hate this disorder or disease or whatever you want to call it by. I feel like I am being forced to walk across a bridge of shards of glass and rusty nails and fire all of the time. No matter how bad I feel or what is going on with me there is no time to stop. I still have to make dinner if all I want to do is cry, the laundry will not wash itself even if I dont want to get out of bed. When Sierra cries I have to get up and feed her and hold her even when I just want to be alone. Things have to be done no matter what. I can\'t just not make dinner or not feed the baby. I can\'t just say this is too much for me right now. There is no option c. I want to continue breastfeeding, but the medicines that actually work for me are not compatable with nursing. I am struggling to decide what to do. If I stop nursing so I can take the medicine and feel better I will also feel like a bad selfish mom. If I keep nursing I most likely will keep feeling this way, or may even start to feel worse. Yet another problem I can obsess and worry about!!!  Yay


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