Hi.

This is my first blog, hopefully of many.

I’ve joined this forum, hoping to find the reasons I am like I am. I was originally looking for answers.

My story starts when I was in school I guess…

*Flashback*

They shout, spit and are generally arseholes. All because I wear glasses and have Blonde hair, something to trivial, because I am different, they take the piss.

I’m not stupid, but get called it, everyday. I’m not blind, just impaired. I’m not a geek, I just like to be on the computer studying after eating lunch, who says that is wrong? They do… All I want is a good education to get a good job. Those immature faggots will not become anything with the way they act in class.

I snap, after weeks of constant torment, I lash out. I get suspended from school, because of them. I come back, they still shout and give me funny looks…

I quit school in year 10, after a death threat. I was honestly too scared to go back into school.

About 2 years later, I catch one of those bullys in the highstreet, there are none of his friends there, revenge ensues, and he escapes with a black eye and a broken nose. Revenge, I called it.

After I started working, everyone would bitch about me to the management. No more mature than those from my school. I leave my job, and start to become depressed from the way life is. (I was in foster care for 12 years prior to working, had no idea what was going on)

I start to harm, just little cuts now and again, I feel as though the impurities are being cut from me. These get seen by a social worker, and i’m sent to a Psychiatrist (spelling is bad, sorry)

He prescribes me to anti-depressants, and I feel better from taking them, everytime I snapped, I would harm, just a few cuts.

I was taken off the medication after a year, this was hard, as it was helping.

I met my Fiance, and we moved in together after a while, we had our first son, and life was going well.

*End of Flashback*

Things happened in the past week and a bit that have sent me on a spiral downwards, i’ve harmed almost everyday since then, and regret it. Guilt is something I cannot deal with anymore.

My son, I know he senses the way I feel, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, that longing look, as if to say "tell me".

Everytime I look into my sons eyes, I feel guilty, because I have harmed, and this is one of the hardest things for me. But it is my only release from this cold, hard world.

I know life has been easy, compared to some people, and I apologise if I make this seem a little over-reactive, but this is how I feel.

I know what it feels like to want to end my life, i’ve tried to once. I regret that, seeing what I have now.

I hope life picks up soon, but that is a future blog, I suppose.

Thank you for reading. Until next time.

GreenSkies.

 

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