Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck

Some nights I call it a draw

Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle

Some nights I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up

I still see your ghost

Oh Lord I'm still not sure

What I stand for.

Oh, what do I stand for?

What do I stand for?

Most nights I don't know…anymore.

This is it boys ~ this is war!

What are we waiting for?

Why don't we break the walls already?!

I've never been one to believe the hype

Save that for the black and white

I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked

But here they come again to jack my style….

That's alright.

I found a martyr in my bed tonight

She stops my bones from wondering just who I,

Who I am.

Ohwho am I?

Well some nights I wish that this all would end

Cause I could use some friends for a change

Some nights I'm scare you'll forget me again

Some nights I win, I always win

But I still wake up

I still see your ghost

OhLord I'm still not sure what I stand for

What do I stand for?

What do I stand for?

Most nights I don't know…

(so c'mon)

So this is it?

I sold my sould for this

I washed my hands of God for this

I miss my Mom and Dad for this?

No.

When I see stars, when I see stars

That's all they are

And when I hear songs

They sound like this one

So come on…

Well this is it guys, that is all

5 minutes in and I'm bored again

10 years of this and I'm not sure if anybody understands

This oneis not for the folks as home

Sorry to leave Mom, I had to go

Who the f**k wants to die alone

All dried up in the desert sun?

My heart's breaking for my sister

and the con that she calls "Love"

Then I look into my nephew's eyes

Man you wouldn't believe the most amazing things

that can come from some terrible lies…

The other night you wouldn't believe

the dream I just had about you and me

I'd called you up and we both agreed

It's for the best you didn't listen

It's for the best we get our distance

It's for the best you didn't listen,

It's for the best we gain our distance, oh…

~ Fun ; "Some Nights"

I don't know exactly why I identify with this song so much~ but I think it has to do with feeling like I'm fighting my own war in my head and my life; against Bipolar disorder, against depression, against my past and the demons there. (Watch the video for this on my page to understand what I'm talking about…it will be the 1st one under music.)

And the line "Well, some nights I wish that this all would end, because I could use some friends for a change…"~ wow, that one really says a lot. What I would give to be able to go back to a time when I wasn't very ill and live the life that I had then again. Friends surrounding me, going out and spending time with the gals and goofing off and doing crazy things… 🙂 It's bittersweet to think about now.

And identifying with "when I see stars that's all they are" and "my heart's breaking for my sister and the con that she calls Love" reminds me of how dark and disillusioned I get about everything in mybad times. I was recently talking to a friend about how not so long ago I hated God because I felt like He was playing some dark, dismal cosmic joke on me by giving me this illness, a laugh at my expense. And I lived that for a long time, denying myself any hope.

And then at the end of the song he's talking to the woman he loves and says "It's for the best you didn't listen ~ it's for the best we get our distance…". How many times have I pushed people away because I'm scared of letting them in, letting them see me when I'm ill, see me when I'm "weak". I'd fight them off like a cornered animal; snarling, clawing and snapping to frighten them off. I'd rather have been a b*tch than feel vulnerable, or see pity from them. Angry was what I had, and that was better than dead~ so that's what I lived.

I know maybe this one touches some raw nerves for a few of you out there, and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to bring you pain. I just wanted to point out that in my own case, this is my past. This song is what I was – a victim of a war that I was never given a choice in wanting to fight – and I lived in a victim mentality for so long that I believed that that state was who I really was. But I was wrong.

Yes, we are all victims of illness here, but that's a choice we make subconciously. Conciously we have to take back our power over our lives and say "You may have taken …. from me, but I am still strong, beautiful, loving, worthwhile, and a gift to those who know me, and THOSE are the things you can't take away!"

I hope that today, each one of us can lay down our weaponsthat we haveto protect ourselves from outsiders and allow ourselves to entertain the thought that we are the same as them, equal to them in every way. Smile at them, say hello, remind yourself that you are human just like everyone else and find satisfaction is realizing that you DO belong. You're loved by the Divine like everyone else is, and there is a reason for what we're all going through. Each path is unique, but crucial. Don't give up on yours.

Have a beautiful day, and let the armor fall off, even if only for a little while.

love always~ Key