Today will be my last day at X-mart, but I started my training at J.C. Macydale's yesterday. God, when will I find a job where I no longer have to kiss the public's ass to impress a bunch of corporate jag-offs who lose more money in their couch cushions than I make in a month? Retail is a tiresome job indeed. I'm sick of it already, and I haven't even started there yet.
Maybe if I was actually making enough at it to pay my bills I wouldn't feel so frustrated. Maybe we could finally afford to get married instead of being engaged forever…
I really did try to be positive about it all. I'm very aware that a job in retail is better than no job at all, and I'm thankful that I found another position pretty easily. I don't think I could handle being unemployed again. I think the part that really hurts is that I made a promise to myself to work hard and make myself valuable to them no matter how much I felt the work was beneath me. I wanted someone to say that I was an asset–but the harder I worked and the more I sweated my ass off, the more I came to realize that I was just a tool to be used and discarded. I had served my purpose and only ONE person acknowleged my hard work–and she was at the bottom rung too.
I feel tired all the time. Two hours after I got up this morning I wanted to go back to bed and stay there.
My friends are all gone. Some of them I just stopped contacting for my own reasons–T's a biligerant drunk who seems to think she's royalty; H is a lazy, immature, negligent mother who hops in and out of marriages with dispicable men (and complains about them for HOURS at a stretch); E went to jail for stealing from a job that I had once really envied her for, and now she's selling drugs because no one will hire her with a felony, When she needs a place to live, she moves in with whomever she's sleeping with at the moment…etc. A few others, people who were never very close to begin with, have kids or moved away like I did.
I'm alone. Just me and the finace. Even our families are wrapped up in their own business and don't give us the time of day.
At this point it's really hard for me to even open myself up for more disappointment from other people. When I try to be open and approachable, it gets thrown back in my face. When I shut up and mind my own business I get treated like I'm being antisocial. I can't win.
Maybe the best thing for me is to stop trying to handle it all with positive self-talk and all that jazz, and just get back on the meds. It seems that people like me better when I'm medicated anyway. Being positive makes more sense when I'm getting a little help. I gave it my best shot, and now I need a rest from my own depleated serotonin levels before I start losing my grip again.