It's amazing, how you make your face just like a wall.

How you take your heart and turn it off.

How I turn my head and lose it all.

And it's unnerving, how just one move puts me by myself,

there you go just trusting someone else.

Now I know I've put us both through hell.

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me.

And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on,

I just didn't want to let it get away from me.

But if that's how it's going to be,

Straight out from underneath,

Then we'll see who's sorry now.

If that's how it's going to stand when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out…

The one you're leaving out.

It's aggravating, how you threw me on and you tore me out

How your good intentions turned to doubt

The way you needed time to "sort it out"

And I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me.

And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on

I just didn't want to let it get away from me.

But if that's how your gonna leave, straight out from underneath

Then we'll see who's sorry now.

If that's how it's going to stand, when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out.

The one your leaving out, the one you're leaving out…

And I'm not saying there was nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me….

Hell well tell me is that how its going to end,

when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out…

I'm the one you're leaving out.

~"Leave"; Matchbox Twenty

So this is how I'm feeling today. Isolated, angry, desparate and lost. My husband and I had a huge argument yesterday and even though we "talked" about it, it isn't resolved. It's simmering, waiting to boil over, waiting for just the wrong moment to become overwhelmingly huge.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of the ups and (mostly) downs we go through~ his lack of communication about his feelings and thoughts and desires and needs. I'm no mind reader, I can't do things I don't know about. But I can see plainly that he's unhappy and there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I find myself wishing he would just get sick of all of this and go. At least I would know where I stand and who I could depend on.

I'm sick of the constand anger that oozes between us, and the resentment that still exists no matter what I do. I have a lot of resentment too, but I've worked really hard to let go and forgive all of that. I've tried to become a better listener and friend, but what good does that do if he doesn't put the effort forth to change as well? He's so silent, so quiet in his anger and disappointment, and he refuses to talk about it.

I feel like he emotionally shuts me out on an almost constant basis. He's generally a good man, but he's very passive-agressive in his anger and frustration. Then he takes it out on our 6 year-old son verbally. He bullies him, picks on him mercilessly, makes fun of him~ until I get ugly and defend our son. I finally had it yesterday, and confronted him on his behavior as a parent. I told him that more often than not he was a bully instead of a father, and that regardless of his past he needed to become the father he wished he had had, not the parents he did have.

If I leave him, this will be why. I refuse to let him beat our child down emotionally and making him feel like he's worthless. NO way. I've been through that, and so has he, but that's no excuse for his actions and ugliness.

So there it is. That's where I am right now.

I hope everyone else is doing alright and having a good weekend. Hopefully mine will get better.

<3 sadviolinist