I have been dealing with depression most of my life. As I was sucidal as a teenager then as a adult.  My depression got worse when I found out I had HIV 22 yrs. ago, if that wasnt bad enough then I had found out my daughter who was 9 yrs. old had been raped by my ex-brother-in-law and my ex-husband.  I was so angry I wanted to kill them.  At that time I had intended to kill my ex-brother-in-law this one day as I had left my house with a gun in my purse with full intentions of killing him.  But instead I had hit a oil spill on the road which I was going at about 80 miles a hour.  There was a car on the side of the road which was being towed as that car had hit the oil spill also.  I ended up hitting the tow truck.  I was so angray and mad that I didn’t kill him and that I was still alive.   My mother use to tell me I was a embarrassment to her and it would make me want to hate her more.  As mother that had raised me was my great aunt as my mother didnt want me as she was a drunk and hooked on drugs.  It has been hard dealing with depression especially when both of my children are both bi-polar and neither one of them will stay on there meds.  When they stay on there meds they are sweetest people to be around.  Throughout the years I have been dealing now Hepatist C and Genital Herpes on top of having HIV.   I have a neurgenic bladder so they put a implant into my back last year so it sends electrical impulses to let me know I have to urinate.

I still have alot of days where I wonder I even bother with life.  I guess what makes it so hard at times for me to deal with everything is that my daughter won’t have anything to do with me or even allow me to be part of my grandchildren’s lives.  That is what hurts the most, as I love my grandchildren very much.  I have tried many times with my daughter to see if we could try to work at a relationship with her.  I told her I could work on trying to forgive her if she could try to forgive me.  Then she told me she couldn’t have a relationship with me as she doesnt have a car.  I told her it doesnt matter if you don’t have a car or have a nice home.  As I just want to see you.  I wanted to bring my daughter a birthday on her birthjday but I dont have a address for her so I asked her if she could give her address.  That is when she told me I wasn’t on her list to know where she is living.   I got mad and said something bad to my daughter.  I told her to fuck herself and that she was a liar about ever going to send be pictures of her little boy who I have never saw.  Now I just hope she is doing alright and maybe someday she will get her life togeether before my life is over and that maybe we can have a relationship once again.

I m also depressed alot as my husband has sleep apena and wont use his sleep machine.  He had tried to kill himself years back on a over dose of pills like 4 bottles.  My husband can stop breathing at times especially when he doesnt use his sleep machine.  Sometimes I m afraid I will find him dead as that is awful feeling.

My depression also deals with my two brothers as my one brother David had hung himself in 1983 he was 25, my other brother shot himself in 1987 he was 17.  I have had people look at me and say it is wonder you havent killed yourself since two of your brothers are dead.

My children have been psychiatric hospitals and so has my husband been in one.  I have never been in one.  There are times still I find myself thinking I may need something as sometimes I think Im loosing.

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