Dearest Depression,

You are my longest relationship, my one true love. The only constant in my life.
You are always there for me, always pulling me back into your arms.
You hold me tight.
You hold me until I can barely breathe; until I can't do anything but lie helplessly in your grasp.
Even on a sunny day, even when I'm smiling, you are always there, lurking just behind me. I can never get away from you for too long.
This love hurts, but I've learned to love the pain.
You overpower me, you dominate, and I let you do it. Go ahead, Darling, and have your way with me. I'm all yours, Depression, and you know it. I'm just your pet, your plaything, your submissive, and I will always be true to you.
You will forever be my one and only.
Even though you hurt me. Even though you beat me black and blue, and tell me I'm no good, I continue to sit here and take it.
I'm a masochist, baby, so go ahead and rip me apart.
You handsome devil. You seductive sadist. Oh, how I adore you!
So much time spent with you, naked in my bed, twisted in my unwashed sheets. Chain smoking, covered in ashes and burns, you encourage me to be self-destructive. You take me as I am. You don't care if my apartment is a mess. You don't care if I don't bathe or don't eat or wear dirty clothes. You don't mind the dark circles under my eyes or my shaking hands or my scars. You like it. You encourage these things.
You are constantly depriving me of the good things in life. And I keep coming back for more abuse and neglect.
Tell me again, Sweetheart, tell me how worthless I am. Remind me that I'm a stupid, lazy, incompetent, loser. Tell me how ugly I am. Just keep whispering those sweet nothings in my ear, because you know I always listen.
Remind me again not to think about the good things. Instead, bring to my attention all the negatives in life. Show me the dark side, hold it up in front of me so it's all I can see.
Lock me in your dungeon and chain me to a wall. I will never break free.
Oh, Depression, what a lover you are!
Patient, loyal, and loving in your own sick and twisted way.
So many times I've tried to leave you. So many times I've tried to escape. I've gone running into the arms of other men, who tell me I'm too good for you. They tell me I can get away from you, that I should just ignore you and stop taking your calls.
But those guys don't know what they're talking about. They don't know you, don't understand you, and sure enough it is you that I always run back to.
You always lure me back with that seductive glance of yours. That foul breath, that kiss of death.
I will always return to you. Always, always. I come back because I deserve it. I deserve you. I know I do.
I know you'll never leave me, Depression. You will never give up on me.
Even when I tell you I hate you.
Even when I tell you to go away.
You always stay. Here in my messy apartment, lying on my couch, I cater to you. I nurture you and keep you well fed. I let you consume all of my energy, I let you drain me, just take it all, Honey, take everything I've got. Be my vampire, suck the life out of me.
I don't care, I love you.
You fucking bastard, I love you more than anything.
You are the Sid to my Nancy, the Kurt to my Courtney. I sometimes fear how this will end, but then you remind me not to worry, not to think about the future. All that matters is YOU! All that matters is this beautiful sorrow, in which you hold me in your suffocating embrace.
You are my only lover, my husband, my faithful companion.
To you I will always be true.

Love Always,
Slim

I know there is a separate site for anxiety, but these two belong together. Plus, I use a little humor in this one, and after that last one a little comic relief could be good.
Also, is there a rule against using the "F" word on here? I hope not.

Dear Anxiety,

It's over between us. I'm done.
It's not you, it's me…you see, I'm just WAY too good for you!
I'm just sick of your shit, Anxiety!
You've been lying to me this whole time. I know you have.
You fill my head with worry and fear until I just can't do ANYTHING! And most of these negative things you tell me are completely untrue.
All you do is hold me back. I can't relax when you're around. I can't have fun.
You turn the simplest of tasks into huge obstacles, you make me see everything as potential for danger and doom, and I just can't live like this anymore!
You've kept me from pursuing my dreams, you jerk!
I can't keep living with the fear you bring me. I can't be in a relationship that prevents me from meeting my own personal needs.
You ruined my day at work last week. I wanted so badly to have a great day, but you caused me to freak out so much that I just wound up fucking everything up! Now what the hell was THAT all about?! And I can't explain you to my boss. I can't explain you to anyone! no one understands you or the things you do to me. They just think I'm crazy, all because of you. Thanks a million, dude. Thanks a fucking ton.
You leave me in a constant state of discontent. You make it impossible to enjoy the present and live happily in the "here and now". You make it so I can't even sit still!
Also, you SUCK in bed! How the hell is a girl supposed to reach an orgasm with all this chattering going on in her brain?! Will you just CUT that OUT already! I'm trying to get LAID over here, for Christ's sake!
Quit being jealous and let me enjoy things! You possessive motherfucker.
Oh, and that "cute" little thing you always do to me? That mind-racing-hands-shaking-teeth-grinding-heart-pounding-dizziness that makes me feel like I'm about to faint? Yeah, that really doesn't turn me on at all. Way to totally kill my buzz, asshole.
Just go away, Anxiety. Go away and leave me alone.
Another thing, I know you've been cheating on me. I read that you've been seeing 40 MILLION other adults! 40-fucking-MILLION!
You know what that makes you? It makes you A DAMN DIRTY WHORE!
Yes, Anxiety, you are a whore and I'm not gonna let you play me anymore!
Just get out of my life, NOW! You are no longer welcome here. Take all the shit you've left here, take all your baggage, and go. Just GO, and please don't EVER come back.
I am done with you and I do not want to stay friends.
Sincerely,
Slim
PS- I've been shagging your brother this whole time 🙂