i wish i never got this laptop, i thought it would help with my homework… get my mind off things. instead it’s given me this vice to no longer answer my phone, it’s given me somthing to stare at for hours and hours insteads of actually doing somthing. i hate how i preffer to be alone, i hate how when i do go out i think only about how i cant wait until i can be at home alone in my room sitting on my laptop. i have the everlasting excuse to all friends and family "oh im doing homework" "sorry i cant exist today because im doing homework". i decided to go back to school so i could become somthing. now i am in college and find myself behind because i stare at my homework and get overwelmed. i’ll do a pages worth then get frustrated then angry then overwelmed so ill go take a nap. i can sleep for 20 hours. i know this because i do it more than anyone ever should. it’s a push and pull within me that wants to go outside and live but wants to lay completly still and just disapear into nothingness. i cant ask anyone i know for help because i wont let them know i’ve failed again, i cant go to my parents about it because they just brush it off and call me lazy. there is no helping me because i refuse to take any medication. my mother is a skitzo and i know what pills have done to her. i would prefer to be inbalanced than a zombie druid.

at this moment in my life i shouldnt be wanting to cry every 5 mins. i have a boat load of friends i have 2 part time jobs i love and i’m doing the "right" thing and going back to college. my parents have allowed me to stay at there house again while i finished school so I SHOULD BE LUCKY. but i cant get homwork done and i never want to see my friends because this acheing feeling of sadness. of wishing time would just stop for me and i could roll into a coocoon and never bother with the outside world again. i cant even begin to think about the future i get too upset. i dont want to feel like im forcing myself when i decide to go outside and see a friend. i dont have enough money to get myself a therapist.  this is the first time something bad ISNT happening to me and i still feel like shit 100000 times a day. i feel like a rock and everyone else is a flower. nothing makes me happy. i eat to feel ok and i dont trust anyone. i’ve never been in such bad health as i am now and ive allowed that.. i finally have the opertunity to work on myself but i wont log off. i cant answer my phone when my friends want to cheer me up. i wont do my homwork because too much pressure, i wont save money because buying things make me feel 20 second happyness, i wont eat better because food is the one friend i’ll pick up the phone for

fuckkk whats happening to me