I’m watching a show about bullying in schools right now, and that has inspired me to write about my experiences with bullying through school. Its not something I like to talk about, however I think that this is a big part of why i am like i am.
Bullying for me, started in primary school. At this time I wasn’t overweight, and had a few friends. Then people started calling me chinese, and alot of general rasist remarks that i’m not going to repeat. What hurt me the most about this is that i’m not chinese, nor do I have any asian in me. Apparently I have "slanty" eyes, which makes me chinese. The kids would say things like "Jackie Chan", as jacqui is actually my first name. This continued through alot of my early primary school years.
When i changed schools, It stopped. I was still in primary school, but I ended up a good group of friends. This is when I moved to a different state. After a year or so I moved back to my home state, although to a different school. When I moved back to the home state, I went back to being bullied. Alot of the same things. I went into becoming a "loner". I would go to the libary during lunch and recess. The kids would say things, Call me fat, whale, fatty boomba and all those lovely things.
When I got to highschool, I didn’t have any friends. I spend the first half of grade 7 with no friends. I would just wonder around the school grounds, the libarys. The popular girls would call me names, and threaten to to bash me almost daily. There was one time when a girl came up and kicked me in the back. I didn’t say anything, for fear of the bullying getting worse. By the end of grade 7 I had a group of friends. We were "the outcasts" so to speak. A group of girls that all got bullied for different reasons. Mostly just cause we were "different".
I ended up moving on to a different group of friends. These friends were more popular as the "outcasts", though still not the popular group. We were happy. Some bullying stopped, though there were still the girls in the school, who would still threaten me with bashings almost daily. In this group of friends, I was still kind of the outcast, but we had good fun. I still have some contact with these girls to this day. Mostly just emails and the occastional message on facebook.
When I joinded this group, I started to become the Bully, rather than being the bullied. I said some very mean things, and made threats to some of the other girls in the grade. I’m not proud of this. It was like a defensive thing. Now that i was the stronger person, I would bully the others… Mostly when I was with my friends, as a group. What is even worse, I would bully those original "outcast" girls. These girls were the nicest girls, and i bow into peer pressure and bully them, just as I was bullied when I was with them. When I was alone, I would still talk to them. For some reason they still talked to me. I don’t know why, maybe they knew that i was doing it so I would "fit in".
My grade 8 class was very bad. We all bullied a teacher, so bad that she was in tears, and we never seen her back at the school. I feel sorry for her. I hope she’s ok.
The bullying never stopped. I still got teased, threatend, hit, things thrown at me. I remember this one boy, who would constantly say that I had "pubic hair" on my head, which was just my curly hair.
There were still times, and still are times when comments are said to me. Mostly that i’m fat, and comments about my weight. I’m so self concious of myself, and i’m sure that this comes from my time during school. There was times even back then, when I just wanted to run away. I would pretend to be sick, just so I didn’t have to listen to it, and I still do just want to get away, only now, I actually do it, by cutting, suicide attempts and such.
I guess i’m glad that i’m not in school during these times, when cyber bulling has become a huge problem. I feel sorry for my sister who, at times has been bullied. I wish I knew what to say to her.
I’m ashamed that I became the bully. I’m sure alot of this bullying is why i am the way i am… If that is the case, there is nothing I can do about it. I’m always going to be like this. After all you can’t change the past right?