So today wasn\'t the best day for me I had alot of things on my mind that were stressful and anxiety prevoking! However looking back on the day it was perductive for me and a learning experiance.
One of my best friends was having surgery and I was worried for her! Her and I have been though a lot and thinking of her in pain was bothering me!
but the most concerning part of my day was knowing I was going to be left alone today and right now that is really hard for me to be. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was going to be alone and the worst part I didn\'t even no how long I was going to be left alone for.. ( I have been asking myself what is it about being alone that make me sick but I havnt yet pin pointed what it is.) All I know is I dont like it and makes me uncomfortable and sick. Somtimes I even feel un-safe. I know I have a strong sence of loonleyness and abandentment thoughts and issues that come in to mind! So before they left I gut into a huge verbel fight with my mother because I thought that someone should stay with me so I am not alone! Over the past couple of weeks my uncle and her has been switching back and forwarth being with me, today everyone had things to do and I wasnt able to find anyone to be with me. I think as a punishment she decided to leave me home alone for 9 hours,. It really fucked me up at first and I gut sick a hole bounch of times, In my mind I had only two options 1 is to go to the hospital whitch I know is what she exspected and wanted me to do, however I am even more scared of that, I can\'t stand the thought of being locked in a hospital (again), no thank you I enjoy the little freedom I have, but I have at times to be honest felt like I needed to go,. so that was kinda conflicking for me. or number 2 being deal with it, witch is what I ended up doing 2. I was really mad and angry at first and blaming them for making me sick, but after I gut past that and I did get past that part I felt like somthing for me changed and I felt strong in myself and that is somthing that I havnt felt in a long time, I was alone and I was doing it!!!! I stoped being angry and blaming and I turned it into a possitive thing. I kinda had a feeling of happyness and acomplishment because I did it with out giveing up my freedom and not looseing my sanity! I also look at it as one step forward to getting my life back and being and doing what I want. I dont no how long I am going to be feeling this way or how I am going to feel tomorrow but I think why I am feeling this way I need to work with it and push forward and not beackwards I cant look at it as a set back this time! So wish me luck and pray tomorrow is a bettter day!