So to my lovelies out there who are on their mental health journey I hope you are all doing well out there. Last week I talked about the process of finding out I’m clinically depressed. I had this big hoopla about accepting it or not.
I look in the mirror and I see this woman struggling with ambvilance. Do I accept this or reject this. While I’ve been humming and hawing I came to realize the pinnacle of my juncture, and I dont know which path to take. During this whole time I’ve been self stigmatizing and setting up preconceived notions that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around.
So what is self stigma. The process where we tear ourselves apart. We scrutinize every fiber of our being. We lose a sense of our identity and only recognize darkness, resentment and fear of ourselves. We place such a negative emphasis on this process that we forget to recognize this ugliness which tends to consume us, is actually part of something so much more beautiful- that is the road to recovery and stability.
So why do we do this to ourselves. For a myriad of reasons really. We do this because belittlement is all we have ever known. Maybe, you gave your heart and soul away to someone who shaded your worth by darkness. Doesn’t matter how I toss the dice, this is trauma. Trauma makes us feel low. Makes us feel lost and sad. Trauma causes self doubt, fear of being successful and blah blah blah. I’m pretty sure every professional you have spoken to has expressed this when it comes to trauma.
In order for me to accept or reject my diagnosis, first and foremost I have to respect the fact that I went through trauma. I went through an experience that makes me want to break my will. Causes me to lash out and cry uncontrollably. It makes me lose control and belittle my self worth. This is a beast that stands before me. I can either hide until I am ready to slay it, or I can go guns blazing. Now this is a juncture I would like to be in. Where both options allow me to opportunity to persevere.
Clearly this won’t be an overnight process. I’m going to have a long road ahead of me. Coupled with proper medication, on going medical and clinical support, and building my supportive network AKA my army of wellness…this will take time. And it makes me so mad that this will be a process of it’s own.
Now I can use my emotions to fuel my journey. Today I’m choosing to be mad. This rage  is going to help me begin slaying the beast of trauma, and what it does to me. Tomorrow I might be sad and I’m going to mourn the loss of my will and strength, so I can fight another day to find myself again. I could very well be confused and so I will choose to rest.
I am going to create my own map. Be able to identify that when I am feeling something negative; what my options are to cope. Will I cry and take a hot bath, or will I be angry and go on a tweetstorm, or will I lash out and connect with my counselors to get a grip on shit. What does your map to recovery look like?
Ask yourself what are the smallest things you can do to have control of your life. To build up even a minuscule of self worth. It doesn’t have to be much but it is better than nothing.
So I stand before my juncture and this time instead of deciding whether I want to accept this or reject this- I’m going to see it for what it is and what are my options to over come this. There is nothing wrong with staying low key until I figure out what’s best for me. At the end of the day I have to do what is right for me and getting all my ducks in a row. I can also let my emotions be the best of me and go at this depression with all that I have. This time around instead letting depression and trauma define me, I am going to decide how I shall slay this beast….
….one day at a time…
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