It's been nearly a year since I updated. Guess what? Nothing has changed. Well, that's a lie. I graduated from college – still need another job. Dad STILL hasn't found a job. Not to say that he has tried to look. I have a boyfriend (after complaining that there was no one out there for me). We have been together for over 9 months. He and I are having some trouble which really makes me question what I've done wrong. He explained that he was in a funk. He told me that he just wated to pack it all up and leave. Not tell anyone where he was going. He said it wasn't my fault. He said I was the best thing that he has going for him right now. But how can I not think that it's my fault? How can I believe that I wasn't to blame? I, as the partner, should be able to help him with whatever he needs. I feel that I should be his equal. I should provide as much. And if I can't help him, how am I not to feel as if I am a failure to not only myself but to him as well? He explained that we've lost that spark we once had. I've tried to look for it, but I don't know where I've gone wrong. We do the same things we've always done minus the whole going to HIS house to hang out. His roommates are unbearable and maybe they're dragging him down. I've become curious if I cam be put to blame for my inability to go visit him. His house was my refuge…and I can't even go there any longer. I need to figure this out before we fall even further apart.

I've been going through a huge depression recently, but I can't afford to do anything about it. I can't talk to my family because they deal with the same issues. I can't depend on them because I feel as if I'm just hindering them with my issues. Why put more of a problem on their shoulders when they have their own.

How can I heal anyone else if I can't even heal myself? I'm stuck and I don't see myself going anywhere but down. It's a losing battle and right now, I'm pretty sure I'm losing that too.


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