i just joined this site a few hours ago because the person i was talking to on the suicide hotline suggested it to me. i don’t know if i’m feeling suicidal but i definitely don’t want to be alive anymore. i don’t think its an exaggeration to say that i haven’t been happy in years. i started college this fall and i feel so out of place. i’m in an art studio course and its been really tough for me. i feel like everyone is better than me but i also know that i can’t do as much as other people because i have an autoimmune disease that gives me chronic fatigue, among other things. on top of that, i’m taking more classes than i can handle. the worst part of all of it is that i don’t even know if i actually like what i’m majoring in and i don’t even want to be in college. i don’t know what i want to do in life but i know i don’t want to waste my time in school studying for a degree i don’t want. it also doesn’t help that i have absolutely no one in my life that cares about me or understands how i feel. it’s hard watching everyone else make friends so quickly and i sit by myself and wonder why no one is interested in talking to me. i feel like i’ve tried my best to be a little more open but it’s hard when you have terrible social anxiety. there’s always so much going on in my head and i can never talk to anyone about it and it hurts. the pain is only getting worse as i get older. i don’t know why i haven’t ended all of this yet.