Why is it for some “making friends” comes so easy in this life, while others only find it (BEYOND) difficult to even hold onto one single friendship (if at all)?

While Ive tried – many times – over the decades to do just that, make friends, it seems the more I share, the more I open up, the more they withdraw, only to end up avoiding me like the plague in the end.

Granted, I get it, we’ve all got our own set of unique problems in this life we’re dealing with. Yet I’ve never understood how some people, when they open up (or are having a tough day/ rough go of it) share with those around, are comforted and consoled with pleasantries and words of genuine encouragement (if not able to make a friend or two along the way).

I’ve watched this very scenario happen a plethora of times over the years. Would be out in public, at a local coffee shop or even at a local karaoke bar, and see someone crying a tear in their beer (or Cup of Joe), and yet, the masses simply seem to flock to em like white on rice.

Yet when the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak, when its been me out in public having a (noticeable) moment of my own. I get told things like, suck it up, grow a pair, bad things happen/ get over it, or as stated above “avoided like the plague” (or even better, given me sage advice, all while they fail to understand – we’re all individuals, with all that entails, in this life).

While, like so many others out there within this earth, here I sit amid these four walls, lost in deafening silence and emphatic/ endless isolation.

Apologies for rambling on, however, yet since COVID came into existence – long before that even – most of my life has been drowning in this intense loneliness and extreme isolation (one of the many joys of agoraphobia and social anxiety I guess, along with having endured one traumatic event after another, such as; rape, death, run down by two moving vehicles, jumped and assaulted more than once, beaten to a bloody pulp, and this list can go on and on).

I hate that my life has come to this, being forced to live this way (being this lonely), as I would love nothing more than to have friends who’d genuinely want to be there, and who actually care for you.

Yet at the same time, after having lived like this for decades, I honestly don’t know anything else. The very concept of having a “genuine friend” (one which won’t end up ghosting you in the end) is altogether lost on me, with it being so utterly beyond foreign.

Last week, in fact, was on a social site and (as I thought) made a friend. Yet like so many times before, the more I opened up, the more I shared about myself, the less and less I’ve heard from this person. In which has left me simply beside myself, lost in the midst of a deep and dark depression (sleeping more than I am awake in fact).

This kind of loneliness has become too much, however, as Ive attempted ending it nearly a dozen times already. I just can’t, for the life of me, understand why some people are able to find genuine friends out there, while so many others only tend to suffocate in such profound loneliness.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking the time to put up with me rambling on here. Yet with that said, I will bring this to a close with wishing and hoping you have had a wonderful holiday season, and have a happy new year.