I have no idea where my life is going… I can't complain, I have everything to be happy, but love. Seems like everyone is too scared ortoo busy to commit. I mean, I can live alone, but I would have liked to meet someone who shares my values ad aspirations to build a small family, so we help one another achieve our dreams and support one another in difficult times, offer each other company.
When I meet people who are interested, I seem to be the one who runs away and when I am, they run away. I am questioning myself as to whether Ihave lost the capacity tobe in simple healthy relationships, I always seem to get in complicated ones. And I am a complicated person, I have seen so much, lived so much, have so vast interests. I have never imagined myself living in a bungalow with a husband, a dog, a car and a baby working in the same job until retirement. I need someone who can stimulate me enough, follow me and challenge me in the explosion of my soul.
I met this person, but just as I am complicated, so is he. He will not offer any guarantees, yet he has proven reliable, so far he is always there, stable. But having no guarantees makes one feel insecure, plus all the other risks on the longer term, when you have to give up your whole world for that one person. But guarantees mean nothing anyway as couples break up even when they had guarantees, made each other promises. What I like the most with him is that we have incredible communication (and respect), which at times can be a curse as it causes pain to know certain things, but is also a blessing foritcan get us through almost anything.
I have been questionning myself to the point of torture as to whether I should do such a sacrifice for this person. And months have passed and are passingand my heart still longs for him. And he is still there. And I am too weak to make a decision of either jumping in or out. It's not like I haven't tried to get into a simple relationship. So I am just like a zombie and I feel trapped. And do I keep coming back to him because I can't have him (because it's unhealthy)?Maybe in fact I should make that sacrifice for me, for the peace of my soul? Or I just try to keep going on on my own, make my own projects and let time ease the pain (while eating chocolate)? I hate the fact I am so weak. That may actually be what makes me most frustrated.
And there are many developments coming on the professional front which might only bring me further away from him (and from anyone?). What should be my priority, profesional life or love life? I am at this age at which women think of building a family. And I have many friends who passed by it without it happening and now regret it. But putting all your energies on it is not a guarantee of success either. Trust life then? I do trust life but I don't believe in magic or fairytales! (anymore)
Any advice, insights?