My dad's health has taken a turn for the worse. We are taking him off of the ventilator tomorrow. His cancer is not treatable and his only surviving on 25% lung function which has an infection. This is a decision that was made by my parents, and I love them for loving each other for being there until death do they part. I know that they have made this decision between the two of them and I respect that. My husband and I would do the same….this does not make letting him go any easier. We have no idea how long he will breathe before that last breath comes. This scares me, it makes me anxious. If I knew he had 5 min or 5 days would be helpful. I'm letting go of my daddy tomorrow…this seems so unfair. I have experienced too much death in the last few months. I am distraught, sad and lost.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel, I am hesistant to reach out to my family because everyone is dealing with this in their own way. I dont know what I will do without my daddy. Heaven can't need him THAT much…can't he stick around to piss me off for a few more years or that I can make him proud in the next few years? I've always disappointed him…now he will die without feeling pride for me. He'll never walk any of my other sisters down the aisle, never be there when my daughter has her first boyfriend or has grown up and given him a great grandchild…

This isn't how life is supposed to be. Nothing in life is how it's supposed to be. I despise that. Is there anything that we can count on at all? Everything is upside down and sideways. Nothing will ever be the same after tomorrow…that I know I can count on…