another day trapped in my own head.

i usually have concselling once a week- but now its the summer and im stuck in my own head, with all these emotions jumbeled up, gettin all tangled making one big incoherent mess; i feel physically & mentally exhuasted with it all.

the anti-depressant packets still sit in my draw, untouched since the first 6 tablets were taken 5months ago. i havent take a single one since then. the side effects almost ruined my relationship; i dont want to risk that again, im uncomfortable with the idea of tablets controlling me, chemically changing my brain hormone levels; but i its so tempting to take the easy way out. its just a few pills. but i know deep down i wont take them. i have them there for safty almost; spuring me on to stick to the path of hard work & will power.

i havent cut myself in almost 7months. thats the longest ive gone basically four years of self harm with out. its getting harder to resist though. i had the scissors in my hands the other night; i got drunk instead. i drink alot again; few drinks during the week, then full on every wednesday [student night] then fridays & saterdays. when i say full on i mean, i drink as much as i can untill i can no longer walk, talk, or make any sense of anything in my head [good thing my boyfriends the barman] i enjoy waking up with no memory & a massive hangova letting you know you had a bloody good night; & even if i didnt, i dont remember! i sound like your adverage teenage binge drinking loud mouthed slag but no. i drink so i dont remember, so i dont have to think, so i dont have feel all things is deal with on a day to day basis. when im drunk im happy; im oblivious.

if you've actually read this, cheers; its only the result of many things that have happened to me but at least you can see what im like.