I observe the behavior and conversations of others and I always feel like a voyeur. I can’t relate. I have nothing to say, no frame of reference. I feel like I don’t know anything. I feel very unintelligent… not on the same page as anyone. And when I do encounter someone I’m on the same page on…. I belittle them. I believe that they are lame and inexperienced and naive, and therefore assume that’s how I am viewed by "intelligent" people.
I recently had an epiphany that I am embarassed to state my age. I am 23 years old, but by most of society’s standards, I look and act like a 16 year-old… and a 16 year-old miserable loser to boot.
I make small but valid attempts to improve myself, but I am entirely impatient. My cognitive processes are always too little, too late. I feel so fucking empty all the time. I started running almost every day for about a week straight, and I placebo-ed myself into a new beginning of self-improvement and self-value.. etc etc…. but it really didn’t change anything. The only difference was that I had a bigger appetite I guess.
My point is, everything…. every social interaction, every conversation, every time I walk out the door…. everything is like pulling teeth… everything is such a goddamn fucking pain in the ass and so fucking difficult to me most of the time.
I have felt this way my whole goddamn fucking life… I have experienced true happiness at times and I know what it is… it is knowing that life definitely isn’t perfect and certainly not fair… but it is knowing that you have the wisdom to do anything… moving into fearlessness… feeling the warmth of the sun on your face… feeling surrounded by the radiance and positive energy of those you love.. and not taking that radiance for granted… that is true happiness… happiness is experiencing love not only from others but from yourself to yourself.
Anyway, I have felt completely miserable every consecutive day for the past month… .at work, at home, in regard to my parents, my guy (but it’s not his fault at all, as he’s just doing what he loves and he has every right to exist as he does)… I feel the absolute absence of love.. that is, I myself am unable to truly love… as if there is definitely a coating of air-tight steel over my entire aura and only negativity and ants and worms are able to penetrate it.
This is killing me and I’m just sitting back and not fighting it. I am not a fighter. I have always been a relentless bystander but NEVER proactive toward anything. I absolutely refuse to do anything to take control over my own existence. I am addicted to feeling like shit.
At any social occasion that I get dragged to, my existence is an embarassment to myself and to my guy. He doesn’t deserve to be associated with me at all.
I absolutely assert the fact that everyone I know would be better off without me. Basically, I have wanted to die for past 7 years, give or take. I am that miserable the majority of the time. I know that I will never experience the joy of family and close friends and a self-sustained community, or a thriving career with an extensive network of contacts. I completely loathe networking because I am unable to do it and I am always pressured by my guy to get some so I can start my own business. Let’s be realistic…. please….
Clearly nothing is working out for me because I do not at all wish to put the effort into motion. I simply do not care. I am not motivated to do anything. My stagnant existence is just draining everyone else’s resources and everyone I know would be better off if I did SOMETHING proactive and took control for once in my miserable fucking life.