I know in my past couple of blogs, I've mentioned that I stopped taking my medication back in October and that I was doing excellent, better than I'd ever been. Well, that feeling has completely detereorated just in the past week.

You would think that after having dealt with severe depression since a very young age that I would know better than to stop taking my medicine without asking a professional first. It may go well for a little while, but then one day I'll end up needing it desperately and it's all gone. I know many people are against taking medications for depression or they say that it makes them feel invalid; I know I've said this befopre, but I will say it again- taking medication for depression is like having to take medication for a heart disease (because depression is a disease). It's not an ideal situation, but it's necessary and it will keep you going yet another day. There's no shame in it. This is maybe the third time that I've quit taking medication only to find that I really do need to be on it. I'm HOPING that with the love and support from my family and those close to me that I will remember not to make this mistake again. It's staggering how quickly the depression sets in. One day I was feeling kind of blah, then the next day I felt exhausted in every way, and then the NEXT day everything felt bleak and hopeless and I just wanted to take a break from living. Thoughts like those are a side effect of depression that, if left untreated, will quickly feed off their own bad energy and grow into a horrible, deadly monster. If a year comes that I do have a life-threatening episode of depression, it ALWAYS sets in during mid-February and then escalates through March. That's the time that I was hospitalized in 2011 and that is also the time that I attempted suicide and was hospitalized last year. I'm just really glad that I was able to recognize it this time before trying to fight it all by myself.

I don't have my medications yet, but I'm seeing my doctor this Friday and I ALMOST wasn't ableto make that happen. When a part time person calls off at our job, it's not a huge deal because they're mostly there for extra support and to cover lunch hours, but I'm a full-timer. My presence on the days that I am scheduled to work is absolutely necessary. The only available day to see my doctor was this Friday afternoon, otherwise I would have had to wait TWO MONTHS to see him, and that wouldn't have worked out. If I were to let this go without medication, I'm certain that I wouldn't be able to make it a month before something bad happened. I like to think that I'm strong, but I'm still human and I'm still sick. It JUST so happened that there was going to be an extra person on duty on Friday, so it was okay for me to go for part of the day and use my sick time to go to the appointment. I was panicking so bad because I didn't get to talk to my manager about it for the first five hours of the work day and I just kept considering the worst case scenarios in my head the entire time that I was waiting. I HATE calling off or using sick time- I never do it. I strive almost painfully to be the absolutmost perfect employee that I can be. I care about my job and I care about the company that I work for. I want to make them proud and I want to represent what we stand for.

That having been mentioned, with our new time clock system, I was told today that you are now considered late if you clock in ONE SECOND late, so everyone is being encouraged to clock in a minute before their start time (at the latest). My manager pulled aside somewhere between 6-8 different people today to notify them of this because they were often a couple seconds late and she just doesn't want them to get in trouble; she wasn't mad. I was one of those people and even though it wasn't a big deal to anyone, I was still mortified that I'd done something imperfect. I felt my face go red, my throat got tight, and my voice dropped in pitch and volume. I could tell that my manager could tell that I felt really bad beause she kept telling me that it wasn't a big deal and that lots of people are having the same problem and not to really worry about it. I just wish I'd known before it happened. I do have a very good reputation for my work ethic and positive attitude at work and I strive very hard to keep that up. I know that I'm overreacting and possibly taking my job way more seriously than I need to, but it's something I'm good at and that's one of the only things that gives me hope for my future and a reason to live. I like to think that my existence is necessary, which is a feeling I struggle with now that I got moved up to a bigger branch. I was working in a small branch before that would only have 2-3 people on duty at a time, so we all relied on each other and our respective skills and talents to get the job done. Now, I work at a branch where there are usually about 20 people working in the building at the same time. It's hard not to feel like I'm just another cog in the machine, that if I were to break I could easily be replaced with a shiny new cog. But I can't let that get to me. They picked me for a reason and I need to show them that they weren't wrong. Even if it's exhausting, it's a reason to get out of bed.