So, I talked about this briefly with my therapist last week. But the ever growing feeling is that my medication is doing shit. which she agrees, even though she's only met me a couple of times.

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I'm on prozac, which i've been on since middle school. i've moved from all dosages, from 20,40,60,80. back and forth right now i'm back at 60mg and on the side is Haldol 50mg. but the haldol does shit to.

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I've been on the Haldol since beginning summer. (then I have my xanax that's three times a day for anxiety, and trazadone for sleep. that's all the pysh meds i'm on)

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The sleeping meds are okay and xanax works though it's tricky because I do abuse it. I've been on other antidepressants before also but none ever helped. Prozac used to help a bit but now it's nothing.

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I told him so, but he- and everyone else i've come into contact with- seems adamant about using Prozac since it's the 'anorexic' drug, or something like that.

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ugh. I don't know. I don't even like taking my medicine anymore because it does nothing! and no one is listening. my mom listens but then when we talk to him about it she sides with him.

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My therapist also wants me to back to Ruksahana my dietitian, because i'm struggling and still restricting. but I feel even though shes a good person she doesn't understand how badly i'm struggling with this so I don't want to go back.

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I don't know, it's a fucking mess. I feel like a hypocrite lately. especially when it comes to religion. I can tell my family to have faith and pray, trust God.

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But when it comes to me I falter and fall easily. I try, very hard. but I still feel like a fucking hypocrite. I'm disgusting, and hideous and huge. I just want to make it stop.

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I KNOW no one is going to save me, I never expected it. so when people say that, it makes my blood boil.

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I can't stand the feeling being inside this body, i feel like i'm trying to crawl my way out of a sludge casket.

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Well…anyway…Today not to much happened. I was in my head most of the day though and I declined to go out with mom and Jon when they went shopping. shocker.

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Hope you all are having a good weekend. stay strong.