So I've always been a big baby when it comes to roller coasters. I will get on them but I scream my head off when I do and I never take my hands off of the safety bars. For the first time in years, I went to an amusement park to ride roller coasters (Cedar Point) with my date and my cousins, and I was sure this time wouldn't be any different. As we were waiting in line for one of the biggest, scariest coasters, my heart was racing and I was starting to doubt whether or not I should actually get on. I swallowed my fear and sat down in my seat because I admitted to myself that Ihavebeen craving a rush, even if this wasn't what I'd had in mind. We quickly climbed to the top of the first 300+ foot-tall hill and I was anticipating to feel my stomach lurch when we went over…but I didn't. I was totally fine. In fact, I was almost a little disappointed. It was still fun, but it wasn't much of an adrenaline rush at all. After years of freaking out on roller coasters, I didn't feel anything.

It didn't make a lot of sense to me at first that I would suddenly be so expert at handling the rush, until I realized- the meds I'm on for anxiety and depression aren't only preventing me from feeling bad anxiety, they're keeping me from feeling good anxiety as well. I felt cheated and frustrated with my situation. It wasn't fair. Everyone else that went got to have their fun and feel the rush, but I was unperturbed and completely unaffected. What am I supposed to do? I still crave an adrenaline rush, yet a 300 foot drop at almost 100 miles per hour couldn't satisfy that. How far do I have to go, what risks do I have to take, to fulfill this craving? I feel dangerous and on edge. I want to feel something again, but I don't want to be depressed the way that I am without my medications. I've become dependent and it's affecting the way I respond to positive situations as well as negative ones.