I just realized that not only am I anorexic with food but with emotions as well. I purge myself of all emotions adn it took my relationship with food to figure out my relationship with others. I purge my body from food whether it be only eating 300-500 calories every day or not eating at all or bingeing 800-1000 calories and then puking it all right back up. I do the same with emotions. I let myself have them but only a little, and when I start to 'binge' on emotions (like in every romantic relationship i have ever had) I purge them and to do that I end the relationship.
But it works for me. It keeps me in check. In control of my feelings just as i am in control of my food. A friend from my Ana group pointed out she does the same thing and says its because she needs the control. She doesnt want her life to spin out of control and so she has to hold onto the control adn when in a relationship you are handing some degree of control of your life over to that person.
So I guess its a good thing I was born independent because there is no way I can ever trust anyone. I have watched my parents get divorced. Watch my dad date girl after girl and end it. I have watched my mom be cheated on TWICE and the guy who did it last time she is still with because she loves him. I have watched my mawmaws life lose all meaning when pawpaw died. And so in the end Love only comes back to hurt you. Its not worth it.
So I will be an emotional anorexic if it means being happy. And it must because just being in control, ever since I allowed myself to be anorexic to become beautiful, I havent cut…thats 2 whole months without the bite of a razorblade on my skin.
I see this as a win win. I get skinny, I stay strong and independent, and it helps me stop cutting.Everyone says its unhealthy or bad for me but I dont see how its bad…honestly I am the happiest I have been in the last 4 years.