Do you ever feel like your mind is at war with itself.


Not a really fair fight considering you already know all your own weaknesses. 


Take today.  I have a fear of things contaminated with HIV.  Not so much that I am worried about myself but I do not want to harm my wife, child, or anyone else for that matter.


I work in an industrial environment (oil refinery).  So today at work I walk over to a group to who were waiting for my permission to start a job.  I notice that one of the men has a chunk of ice and is washing his hand.  So automatically I focus in on him because I figure he may have injured his hand and is using the ice to ease the pain. 


Injured hand means blood which means that he could have HIV which means that he could some how get blood on me which means that I will have HIV.  Ok I know that is one long run on sentence but you get the point.


So I leave that group after giving permission to start work convincing myself that I was not infected by HIV from being in the near vicinity of this man.


But I can not quit thinking about it.


So an hour later I go back to find out what was really wrong with his hand.  Turns out he got a chemical on it which was causing the skin on his hand to peel.  No blood involved.  Well none that I see.  Now I am talking to this guy in the middle of the road with lots of folks around me.  Since my mind now knows that no blood is involved it switches to the old well maybe you licked his hand.


Where did that thought come from.  I am so paranoid as it is I would never even shake his hand due to his condition much less lick it.  Not in a homosexual sort of way.  Just my mind knew that that was the only way I could have possibly been contaminated.


It knew my weakness and used it against me.  So I talked about it with my wife which helped out a lot.  I also remembered a phrase I saw on here which helped out.  J


This too will pass. 


Yes it will but I wonder what my dilemma will be tomorrow. 


Other than that I had a great day.  I fought 70 percent of my urges and caved in to a few. 


The battle wages on but I am determined to whip this thing.  As Jerry Clower once said.


Shoot this thing.  One of us has got to have some relief.


1 Comment
  1. evolve 16 years ago

    exactly. at times it feels like it's got some kind of cruel bully that wants to get you down when things are going well or keep you forever doubting and anxious. you're not the only one fighting with it.

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