Not really sure where to start this one.
I guess it all started when I got the train to a town which shall not be named on the internet. I might be going to live in said town, to go to university in September. I don't know what it was about this train journey, perhaps the independence or the idea that I might be going to live in this place – but it had me more excited than I've been in months (literally since about June last year now that I think about it).
For anyone that doesn't know, there isn't a lot for people of my age where I live. I know that, in the long run, it would be best for me to go to university – even though it might be really hard to adjust to the whole living away from home thing. This is an idea that has only been affirmed by the six odd months I've spent working in the town (if you could call it that) that I live in. So, it would be best to go to uni – but:
– something I've found with the whole depression thing, which I think I've had for months (since I finished my end of school exams at least) is that things I found fun have just suddenly got boring and I don't know whether I'm doing stuff because I actually enjoy it. Which has made me Really unsure of my subject choices – which would be hard to change.
– I can't speak to my family about any of this stuff because they will literally just tell me what to do, and that's not something I need anymore. I need for them to encourage me to try new stuff rather than rely on them to advise me what to do or push me into something I don't want to do. Their pushiness very nearly lost me my uni place when i had to apply to defer it. My mum is a very highly strung person and, whilst in her mind she might be thinking of what she sees as best for me, her worrying is holding me back from doing what I need to do to just like…improve on myself. I need encouragement from them because of my own lack of confidence (bad I know…). It's like, when I see that she's worried I change what I'm doing because I don't want her to worry about me. But…its not fair. Because that means that my mother's issues with anxiety are making me miss out on life. Which…even in the state I'm in right now seems unfair.
I need for them to see me as a sort-of adult. Basically. I need for them to see me as someone that is…taking their first steps into the adult world. Because its true that I'm not self sufficient yet and so I need their help in some things. And its true that I don't have all of their life experience yet. But already, I've done some stuff that they haven't done. And I know people they don't know (sounds creepy but…) who have all had their own influence on me. And they need to start taking notice of that because that has made me a different person to them. A person with their own preferences ( even if I don't quite know what they are right now) and choices and stuff.
Then I need to feel better about myself. I don't really know where to start that one.
Because I can't really think of what to say Imma sign out again now. I feel a lot better after writing that down. I'm not actually listening to Inciubus anymore. Its the Script now… 😉