So, I am smoking and listening to the Silversun Pickups (while feeling like absolute sh*t).  So, yesterday was hard.  This doctor didn’t suck hard like the first one, but he didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, either (people rarely do).  I was told that Lamictal (sp?) is not right for me, because I am type I (my last shrink thought it was type II, but I think this guy is right).  He says that Lamictal does nothing for mania, or people with mixed episodes (like me).  He was in favor of Lithium or Depakote.  I was opposed.  Next up, Tegretal (sp?)….  and I decline, again (bad, bad, bad)…  then, we get into the anti-psychotics…  again, no thanks.

"It’s the common reactor

It’s the long way out

It’s the stream of a motion blurred

That swirls around til you drown

But I couldn’t put it down"

So after an hour or so of talking, I agreed to try Lithium for two weeks.  I don’t know why I agreed to do this.  I’m not comfortable with it.  But, this is already the 2nd opinion I’ve gotten, and even though the last shrink was inclined toward Lamictal, he said there was a drug interaction to worry about (this guy didn’t mention that).  And, the last guy did seem like a total douche, so, I don’t know what to think.  This guy said that, of the people he has treated, with my problems, the ones that are living normal lives are on Lithium and Depakote (AND I WILL  NOT TAKE DEPAKOTE).  I can’t believe I agreed to do this.  I am so sketched out.

"It’s the colorless picture
In a heart shaped frame
The silhouette of a dough eyed girl
Who at one point had a name

"But, I couldn’t put it down
No, I couldn’t put it down."

Today I just feel sick and drained of hope.  This whole thing just seems like a clusterf@ck to me, at this point.  Nothing I am trying to do is headed the way it ought to be, and people expect me to be NORMAL and functioning in no time, and I just can’t  do this, anymore.  I woke up so sick this a.m.  

All my muscles are tensing and aching and I have this terrible chill.

Everything feels empty and pointless, right now.  I don’t want to take those pills, and the only things I do want to do are trouble.  F@cking whatever… what difference does it make?

"Brush away all the memories
Keep the cries curbside
I’ll be ashing on the images
That have all been caught inside"

I just want to stop feeling all of this.   

All of it. 

I feel like an asshole, and a failure, but more than anything right now, I feel lost.  I think I somehow gave people the impression that I could just snap my fingers and make twenty eight years of being a head case turn the f@ck around in a f@cking blink.  And, it is completely my fault – I know better.  I shouldn’t let people think I can do what I should know is beyond me.  I shouldn’t have agreed to take those pills when I know I am too scared and  that’s it’s just gonna send me running to hide from all of this, because I feel like I’ve set up a whole world of expectations that I can’t possibly live up to.  Can I see myself, a year from now, on Lithium?  A drug that could dull out the ONLY fucking thing that makes me special to begin with?  Then, I really would wind up alone, fat, and old in a bar somewhere, in the middle of the f@cking day. 

I don’t know what to do with myself.  I woke up in a total crash.  And, now, I just can’t see anything that seems like a good idea.  It all seems to lead back to the same thing – me being screwed.  All apologies for whining, and to those of you who have invested energy in me.  I never intended to be such a waste.

"But, I couldn’t put it down
No, I couldn’t put it down
No, I couldn’t put it down

Let’s break the window panes
And separate the walls from all the nails
Cause maybe if we’re loud we’ll stay alive
While everybody wants to join the fight
Cause even if we barricade the door and seal it with the
Blood found on the floor
We’re always going to cross the finish line
While everybody wants to run and hide
But now it’s too late"  (Silversun Pickups "Common Reactor")