Just call me Mrs. Grinch today..only Mr. Grinch understands my pain…For all the overly happy people right now..I just want to tell them to stick their "fa la la la la "where the sun don't shine..lol..Yes I know thats not nice..but who says that everyone is happy during the holiday season..I send greetings..I pray for people and wish them blessings and I may decorate a blog or a site for the holidays..but honestly the way I feel inside I think would depress the whole world…Why does the sun have to shine..and the moon have to rise..and the birds have to chirp..and the everyday routines continue while I wallow in my mental pains….I wonder God do you still care…and what did I do God that made you forget all about me…I love God so much but I feel like I am a forgotten soul…There will be moments that I am on an edge of a cliff in my life and I'm sick as a dog and God will be there to swoop me up and save me…I know that God is always there..but when you're depressed you feel alone…Sometimes I start thinking "maybe I would be better off dead"…or "I'm letting God down so much..maybe I shouldn't be here"…I don't remember the last time I felt proud of myself..The only one that was ever proud of me and told me is now dead..My mom…I remember a few weeks after she died I said outloud "I want to go be with my mom"…I know that sounds crazy…When you have lived the life that I have…then you start feeling like you're worthless…and unfortunately people will tell you that you are worthless and don't care how it affects you..What makes me laugh about depression medicine commercials is that they always say something like "you will feel happy like you used to feel"…How do you feel happy when you've been depressed all your life…There was never a "before depression phase" I have always been depressed..The only thing now is that my anxiety has gotten worse..Its to the point now that I can't do anything outside…I can't cross the street ..I can't leave my house…I used to have this problem with going out ..but now its much worse…If I'm about to cross the street, I can't move…I have almost gotten hit by a car a few too many times…When i go outside I feel like I'm going to disappear or something…or blackout..I'm not sure what to do anymore..I'm actually very scared for my life….I feel like I'm no good to anything or anyone and not to myself..I feel like a hazard to myself and the doctors can't tell me anything …I feel like a prisoner to my own mind and I feel like I am going to either lose my mind or my life…..I don't know if I have a depersonalization problem or what..Then I find out that my depression medicine increases my anxiety..Earlier tonight I had to ask a stranger to help me get a cab home…I was mentally frozen outside and I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown outside…I'm 28 years old..what the hell am I going to do..Someone please help me….I don't know whats wrong with me…