Gosh I’m scared.  These feelings are so confusing.  I even feel un-justified in writing this.  It feels like I could cry.  I’m super anxious and I just ate some Weetabix.  It started when Jayda answered the phone.  And then there were her Ahhh…’s.  I love my sister but I feel too attached to her.  Have felt this way ever since we were young children.  Have wanted to protect her but have known there is nothing I can do.  To this day I still imagine people who talk to her think she must be the same as me because were identical twins.  And then I chalk this all up to vanity.  Oh God, Kali – just because it’s a guy you like.  And then I fit it into the context of what I’m reading.  Either/Or.  I want to please people not do what’s right.  And that to me seems just the problem.  There’s these super smart people and, you know, it seems they have reason to what’s right – they have ableness.  Then there’s me on the Borderline.  I’m able, but not super able.  I still want to do what’s right though.  And I still want to please – not in a way that would sacrifice my values, but in a way that leaves peace and ambition.  And sometimes I feel like crying because of my lack of this, others I feel like dying, still others I doubt the whole ambition thing all together or think perhaps I’ll just transcend myself.  Sometimes I do feel very happy, but this transcendental or rather nothingness stuff seems a little shaky.  Where do I draw the line between transcending and recourse to nothingness?  In the context of what I read and how I feel these sporadic recourses to nothingness are seeming more and more like depression.  There has to be action.  Challenge.  This is what dad, amongst others, has given me.  Perhaps when you don’t fear nothingness enough this contributes to low ambition.  When Jayda began her Ahhh’s, I freaked.  This made me feel a sense of urgency to write this?  Just a minute at other times I fear nothingness so much that I recourse to it just so I will have somewhere to go.  This recourse probably stems from the fact that I doubt my ability to do what is right.  From the fact that I doubt my ability not to please.  But I have to realize this isn’t either/or.  Not when it comes to myself.  Because no matter how hard I try I will never be a person who does not care about pleasing others or about doing what is right. 


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