I”m not sure when it all started unravelling for us, but you know I remember a time when my mother would bring a colouring in book and some brand new pencils to me when I was ill, and flat lemonade for my upset stomach. A time when her and my step dad fought and she carried me in her arms all the way to the neighbours farm house, which was a long walk. I dont’ know how old I was. but yeah there was a time when I loved my mother and she loved me.

I havent spoken to my mother in many years now, things became very toxic and we had to rid her out of lives. Even my children don’t have contact with her anymore. She will be a very lonely old woman.

There was a time when she asked my second step dad, “Is there something going on between you two?” referring to me. I was a young teenager.

Over time I learnt she was actually jealous of me. I don’t know why.

My first driving lesson was when I was about 9 years old and that was to bring my mother home from the doctors after she had a shot of pethadine, that she was addicted to, claiming she had migraines. It got to a point where the doctor allowed her to bring home the drugs and inject herself.

All through my growing up years my mother was always in and out of hospital for various reasons, I was kept home to cook for the shearers and the family.

One time my mother took me to Sydney with her so she could have an affair with some family “friend”. He bought her a beautiful gold soveriegn necklace and I’m pretty sure she still wears it to this day. Not sure how she explained that one to my step dad.

There is so much to tell here but I feel exhausted already writing this about her, it pains me. My husband and I are so  much happier in life without her and so are my children. She is toxic, she will not change. She is addicted to pain killers these days. It saddens me that things are not different but I gave up on the idea of her being a “mother” to me a long time ago. Its just the way it is, you can’t pick your family right?