Well, today was the day. I made a goal 2 weeks ago that I would go to my workplace, go in and (hopefully) not have a panic attack. 
So today at 2 pm Ike and I took off. About half way there, I had the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia. I wanted out of the truck NOW!!! No way was that going to happen moving at 65 mph and no place to pull off. Did the deep breathing, had the solitaire game going but still wanted out. 
Pulled into a gas station, in a small town, just so I could calm down. Okay, so now I don’t have the claustrophobia anymore but I’m a bit on the edgy side. 10 min later we start out again. Get to the stop light just before the bridge that crosses into Clinton and I can feel that panic balling up inside. And the thought in my head was “You don’t HAVE to go in,….Just sit in the parking lot!!” So that’s what I did, sat in the parking lot, trying to get myself under control. It never fails, we had parked where no other cars were parked, no one was around the truck when Ike left to go into the store. But 30 seconds after he left.…there were 4 cars all around me. Oh how I hate to be “boxed” in.
Ike comes back to the truck about 20 mins later and tells me everyone in the store says hi and wants to know how I’m doing. I’m still a bit “freaky” about being there and this voice in my head says “get out of the truck and go in.” So now I’ve got 2 sides in my head battling each other. “Freaky” side is whimping out and the “bulldog” side is kicking my butt to do something!!!
Guess what?? “Bulldog” side won. I went in and yeah, it was scary. But I got to see 2 of the people I miss the most and the other 2 were just nice to visit with. Nobody laughed, nobody treated me like I was contagious or insane. They just want me to get better ASAP (but no pressure) it was all pretty jokingly said. 
I kept my sunglasses on the entire time because I didn’t want them to see the tears in my eyes. (Although most of them knew it and didn’t say a word)
Now I’m worn out and really looking forward to sleeping tonight. 
1 Comment
  1. maggie 14 years ago

    I am thrilled for you. You should be very proud of yourself. You won this battle and you will win any others you may face.

    Yeah!!!!!!

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