Its been over eight months since I been back. I am trying my best to cope with my new Bipolar diagnosis. I guess that means I get another label put on me. But I guess I should not let that keep me down. I am still plugging away at life, taking things one day at a time. I still feel soo isolated, feel worthless and feel like a “square peg” trying to fit through a “circle hole”. So far the only value I seem to have is being someone that always listen to other’s frustrations and life’s stressors, but they don’t seem to care about mine. In a weird way, I guess I am not totally worthless, I am a teddy bear to those taking on all their negativity. Perhaps maybe taken on all the negativity from others is causing my mood instability. I don’t know. I hope that I can find my way and stay positive. I am noticing when I do not, dark thoughts creep back into my mind…thoughts of wanting to enter a dreamless sleep and never wake up. I have been very frightened myself having these thoughts come back…but the only thing I can do is take it one step at a time and keep walking. If I do manage to enter my eternal dreamless sleep, I hope it will be painless.
I dream that one day I will be able to meet at least one person I can call a friend that will listen and see the outside world with. Hopefully one day I can wake up from that dream and have it become a reality. I hope to one day find my voice to be able to communicate with people.
I am always thankful that I have this site to record my thoughts and look back to see whether there has been some changes in my life both positive and negative.