Its been over eight months since I been back. I am trying my best to cope with my new Bipolar diagnosis. I guess that means I get another label put on me. But I guess I should not let that keep me down. I am still plugging away at life, taking things one day at a time. I still feel soo isolated, feel worthless and feel like a “square peg” trying to fit through a “circle hole”. So far the only value I seem to have is being someone that always listen to other’s frustrations and life’s stressors, but they don’t seem to care about mine. In a weird way, I guess I am not totally worthless, I am a teddy bear to those taking on all their negativity. Perhaps maybe taken on all the negativity from others is causing my mood instability. I don’t know. I hope that I can find my way and stay positive. I am noticing when I do not, dark thoughts creep back into my mind…thoughts of wanting to enter a dreamless sleep and never wake up.  I have been very frightened myself having these thoughts come back…but the only thing I can do is take it one step at a time and keep walking. If I do manage to enter my eternal dreamless sleep, I hope it will be painless.

I dream that one day I will be able to meet at least one person I can call a friend that will listen and see the outside world with. Hopefully one day I can wake up from that dream and have it become a reality. I hope to one day find my voice to be able to communicate with people.

I am always thankful that I have this site to record my thoughts and look back to see whether there has been some changes in my life both positive and negative.

1 Comment
  1. condemned 2 years ago

    I think it is possible that overextending oneself by helping others can have consequences on your mental health.

    When depression makes you feel worthless, it is natural to spend all your energy on the people around you, because their value hasn’t been masked in your eyes. The challenge then becomes forcing self-care. We’ll all tell you that you still are a valuable person, but it still won’t seem true.

    It is like the airline preflight briefing, if the pressure drops, you naturally try to put that oxygen mask on a child first, but you could pass out before you succeed then both of you lose. The right thing to do is put the mask on you first, giving you the vital oxygen to be able to help the other person.

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