<<<As always, I have alot on my mind. Christmas to me was another day, but for my kids sake they insisted we put up a tree. We did..i love the colors of the decor..white, silver, and gold. Beautiful tree…anyway, I managed to present them with gifts this year considering my financial situation. I'vehaven't gotten a gift in 15yrs, but as always..i don't matter.I saved, saved and saved because my family is good for being n my bizness, borrowing money, but never willing to help me at all.
So this year, my kids understand in a sense how the world works. They see I'm a single mom and the only way they survive is from how hard I've always worked. They hate to see me sad, and knowing I take good care of them..they love me unconditionally. They are so appreciative, considerate, kind and respectful and smart. And I see myself as a very humbled person, very quite and passive agressive..and its tearing me up..
Back to christmas..the day went by rather smooth..hung out with my kids, cooked dinner..didn't really say too much to the "old man", my "mother" called and talked for awhile, but as always, my day ended with sum minor drama. It invoves my dad, butI can't mention it becuz he will get mad..whichhe's to sick to do. I'm realizing the more I talk to both my "parents" I feel more and more alone. My brother and sister..we're all like oil and water..not ever mixing..the family around my "dad" all have negative comments to say, but pretend to be friendly..It feels like I'm dodging arrows all the time. And no one has no clue of how much I have going on in my head. I feel like giving up soo bad, i swear, but I look at my girls..my kids are all I have. They love me for bending over backwards for them, listening and caring for all of their needs. I ackowledge them and love them on a different level than anything. But others around me are selfish and ignorant, and it's my own blood..let alone my "parents" some time.
I say all of this becuz, eventhough I wanna give up and say f*ck it most of the time..I see those 2 faces and keep trying. I'm grateful for them, my parents make me feel obligated to care for them becuz the other 2 don't care. I feel backed into corners lately and my depression is getting the best of me. I can relate to so many of these blogs…it's mindblowing. It's helping me to see things in a different light and let things off my chest. I'm in therapy, but I've only seen her twice. I've been down this road..but not to this level..so I hang on to what matters to me the most, which is my kids and my faith that someday, I'll get better. The road can be treacherous, but we gotta hang on. I feel no love from nobody but my kids, so I gotta do it for them…Sorry had to let this out>>> I hope everybody else enjoyed their holiday.