I’ve always wanted to blog but I never seem to have the time.  Who would have thought that I would start to blog because of my mom.  She has been struggling with a deep dark depression over the past few weeks and I HAVE to help her.

She put herself in a hospital in January which did not seem to help her.  We’ve seen several doctors and therapist but nothing seems to help.  She’s been on several different drug combinations including the latest combo of paxil and olanzapine.  She has been taking that combo for less than a week now with no change.  I know we can’t expect much and we need to give the drugs time but the minutes pass by so slow for her and just want her back to her normal self.

I have been away from my mom since Friday.  She helped me clean out the girls closets on Friday afternoon before we left to go out of town.  While we cleaned she did not smile one single time and it made me so sad.  It is exhausting to keep her engaged but I WILL DO IT TO HELP HER!  I keep telling her “keep going” “fight” “just keep swimming” “fake it till you make it”  How much longer do I have to tell her these things until she feels better!!!??

Yesterday, her and my dad bought and planted some flowers which kept her busy but every time I spoke with her on the phone she was so depressed telling me that she had to force herself to buy the flowers, that she couldn’t make any decisions about which ones to buy, how to plant them, where to plant them….

She feels so unsettled because she is so scared about the way she is feeling.  She says she feels like jumping out of her skin.

Today my aunt was going to spend some time with her and give my dad a break.  My aunt called before she met my mom and said when they talked on the phone my mom said “i don’t know if I am going to make it.”  My aunt asked her what she meant and she said “i just can’t explain it.”  The “it” is this terrible depression is what I think.

I’m anxious to hear what my aunt has to say after spending the day with her. My stress level is at an all time high.  I used to think that work and my kids were stressful….battling this depression with my mom is so much more stressful than anything I’ve experienced.  It’s exacerbated my anxiety which I already take mediation for.  I have always known that I have OCD but since my mom has gotten sick my need to clean and organize and calendar everything has gotten bad.

That felt good to write.  Maybe this can be like my new journal…a good way to keep track of my mom’s depression and my thoughts on it.  Maybe someone will read this and have some comments.  Good or bad.  Let’s see.