I had to go to my storage unit today. I saw my things from my past and I started feeling sad and lonely and i don't know. I had the overwhelming sense of staying there in that room and never leaving to immerse myself in a life that once had been glorious to only remember the times that i smiled and laughed and was loved beyond measure. I wanted to lose myself in the memories, to a life that I know now was fake an unreal but yet was my life none the less and live the remaining moments of my life in peace of mind. But then reality you know that Bitch of a thing that bites you right in the ass when you least expect it or want it, came into fruition and I was immersed in it. I had to leave. I could not stay there and look at anything. What if I started to remember the things I never wanted to remember? What if I freaked out and started switching or the thoughts to end my life became overwhelming and i could not control them.
Then it happened, i moved my final bin and the trunk fell over… It should have never happened; there is no way it could open!! The trunk that has 3 locks on it and a cotter pin in it yet it fell open and inside this trunk was my box of memories. A box I cannot look in and yet i am yearning to look at. The baby books, the pictures of me as a kid, are there buried treasures in there, or haunted memories? Will they strike me down or will I be able to look at them and they have no effect?
I hope that I can look at them and they bring back some clues to my past as to why I have turned my mind into compartments of pain and confusion. I hope that this box might contain some glue to the pieces I find myself broken into. I am so tired of being a burden to the masterful counselor that has spent so much of his time trying to help me rescue my life. I go up and down in my struggle for peace, I thought before Christmas that I would finally be able to say to him thank you for all the hard work I am finally good, but ohh how I was wrong. I went from Good to all hell broke loose and I lost myself to find many pieces of myself.
I am so broken and this box, maybe, just maybe a beginning?? Now don't get me wrong I am not going to get my hopes up, for I have learned a long time ago to not even try that, but maybe. I will see this amazing help tomorrow and he will search the box with me to see if it may contain an answer, or a clue.
Ohh please God, Please let there be something there that can help me start to rebuild something good in my life