I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so down, yet I function. I just don't want to. Every time I have to, I do as long as it isn't for me. If i have to do anything for myself I would just rather not. I can do anything for my children, for a woman who is dying, for her daughter who puts me through hell, but I don't want to do anything for myself. I can't it hurts.
The only thing I can bring myself to do is CUT. That I can do. I can carve up my legs and watch them bleed. I can sleep and not get out of bed till it is time for the children to get home. I cannot bring myself to shower, or clean my house, but, I can cut. I can take the knife, and slice myself up.
If you think I am proud of that you are sadly mistaken. I am sick about it. I hate this. I don't want anyone to know, or see. I am ashamed of my behavior and at the same time I can't stop. It is like it calls out to me. I want to do this I suspect like an alcoholic wants to drink.
I hurt I want to end my life but I don’t. I keep things going because I have to. It sucks no way out.
And guess what; look at my life it isn’t that bad. I have 2 wonderful boys, a bachelors degree, an apt, I go to school, I am divorced, I have severe depression, I have no job, i have no money, I have Dissociative disorder, I constantly want to die, I have my mother in law in Hospice and she will be dying anytime now.
She is DNR and will never eat again. We only found out she had cancer 2 months ago. Ohh did I mention that my sister in law won't let me see her or know anything about her unless she is there with me? Why you might ask because I paid attention to her mother’s every need and then met them. And did not start any crap. She was jealous that I was doing that so I left because she was so mean to me.
So maybe my life isn’t perfect I also am diagnosed with PTSD, and this is a really bad time of the month!!
Did I mention that this really Sucks???!!!!????